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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sugar dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ceyx
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 111/107/81
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/I hate you
    Total Views: 659
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 472



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSugar dots
    -------------------------------------------







    It's just a little bit of something that burns-

    It's just a little black smoke in your eyes

    Just a tiny little piece of my hatred for you-

    I keep it next to your picture…





    ________________________________________________________




    Submitted on 2008-03-28 16:10:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I disagree with SweetAndOhSoME. I think it's just fine the way it is. If you used it's again, I think it would be too redundant for such a short poem.


    My only gripe is the title. I don't tihnk it makes much sense, but that could just be me not looking deep enough.

    But I suck at titling my poems, so what do I know? This was really great. Kudos.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm... it's simplicity is beautiful. It's quite extraordinary how something so ...short... could hold so much meaning. There is something about this piece that just says 'look deeper'. I adore it. In a way I can feel the hatred, but, perhaps because the driving force of hatred is passion, it seems so sincere, so dream-like. It's wonderful, really.

    However, the first two lines start with it's and then the third--although it follows the same pattern as the other two for the rest of it-- doesn't. Would it be better if it went like this:

    It's just a little bit of something that burns-

    It's just a little black smoke in your eyes

    It's just a tiny little piece of my hatred for you-


    ...

    I'm personally not sure which sounds better, but that is probably what I would have done--although that has no bearing on what is better or worse. And it wouldn't be a big change anyway. Of course, the littlest changes can make the biggest impacts. Who knows? I guess it really depends on you--the author.
    | Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]


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