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    dots Submission Name: "It's In Your Eyes..."dots

    Author: Drifting Star
    ASL Info:    19/F/Somewhere
    Elite Ratio:    2.02 - 22/101/73
    Words: 233
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 780
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1552

       A writing exercise, to the song "A Dangerous Mind" by: Within Temptation. *The exercise involves taking one or two lines from the song and using them to inspire myself. Here's the result.

    Far From Elite,


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"It's In Your Eyes..."dots

    There's no mercy there and I can see that now;
    I'm left wondering how blind I was to your lies.
    It's all there, a thousand secrets buried inside--
    a million horrors and nightmares, all in your eyes.

    Sacrificed, I lay cut open--
    soul pulled out and my blood still running;
    Woeful, willful-- I have been so blind, darling angel;
    Too mortal to understand your need, your curse.

    What a great trial I put you through, troubled fae--
    The cruelty of my nature, I see it in your eyes;
    the pain of every night's endless torture--
    the ripped silk of a bond pulled too taut.

    The stone is cold against my back--
    the altar is firm where my heart falters, weak;
    All the world around me turns to faded black,
    except the figure of you, pale and luminescent.

    The reflection of the fire, of the torchlight--or hell
    I see it there--it's in your eyes and I can see it;
    I understand it now, plainly, clearly--the pain;
    how could you love the horror, the burn?

    I am the destroyer, the possessor--controller,
    I relinquish the power as I sink back to oblivion;
    Inside, outside--all of me fades, bleeds--dies;
    Reverberating there, the truth echoes above your lies.

    "I hate you," you whisper, the darkness on the rise--
    "I love you," I correct for you--because it's in your eyes.


    Submitted on 2008-03-29 23:07:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      odd lines:
    1. Too mortal to understand your need, your curse.

    The only proper line
    I hate you," you whisper, the darkness on the rise--
    "I love you," I correct for you--because it's in your eyes

    And even the second line could have been better like this
    "I love you I say because its in your eyes"

    There is not intense feeling in the poem I can just see that you are trying to express but the bad part is it was only tried out.

    Make it "Expression complete" You should feel the pain or anger or love within yourself. There should not be any thing that can confuse or deviate the reader from that feeling.
    | Posted on 2008-04-01 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      It is very true eyes have their own language and few things unspoken can be comprehended from eyes and your poem very well states this fact. Your poem is very well written depicting the whole scenario. I have also recently written a poem on eyes and it is titled as Life in Eyes. I hope you will be inclined to go over it and give your kind feedback.
    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by Ramneet | [ Reply to This ]

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