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    dots Submission Name: i left my hands at your place...dots

    Author: Syn
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 115/136/83
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 883
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 798


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsi left my hands at your place...dots

    i left my hands around your waist
    and now i find i cannot write
    {lovely words on paper}

    like a wingless angel, a grrrl with no hands
    has no purpose other than to stand

    i left my hands around your heart
    and now i find i cannot hold
    {the puzzle together}

    in every heartbeat there lies a moment where truth can be made untrue, but i never thought it would be you

    i left my hands around your neck
    and now i find i cannot touch
    {myself like you did}


    Submitted on 2008-03-30 04:36:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow!! The title grabbed me, and I love what I found. What an interesting perspective, leaving a piece of yourself behind. This can be read as a positve or negative statement (leaning toward the negative with "no purpose other than stand). I read this with melacholy in mind, missing a lost love. I hope that was your intent. It conveys images of despair "I cannot write," but it could also be obsession. I particularly liked S4 "in every heartbeat...." though I feel you should have said "would" in place of "could." Another suggestion, if you don't mind, there is no need, as I see it for "I find" in S1, S3, and S5. To me it's redundant. Some discussion: "A wingless angel" for me would work better with a different comparison, something more Earthy, something having lost it's purpose in life, a legless dancer, an armless scupltor, etc..
    S5 is a great closing, and your last line, nails the loneliness into the coffin. Ome more time...


    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]

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