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    dots Submission Name: Just Oncedots

    Author: CrypticBard
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 369/381/227
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Society
    Total Views: 1440
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 725


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust Oncedots


    Wake up
    talk back
    don't tell me
    what I lack,
    save up
    turn back
    bring along that
    fav'rite song
    don't tell me
    I've no social
    wasting my
    poetic licence
    turn back
    to your real self
    your hunger for
    poetic justice
    look up
    the sky's
    still higher
    than your highest
    let down your
    flaxen locks
    your ivory walls
    are too slick
    come with me
    where the air
    is free
    and maybe,
    just maybe
    for once we'll agree.


    Submitted on 2008-03-30 07:04:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. I may have had trouble understanding your other poem, but this one I understand 100%. I can understand how a person can try to tell you who you are and you're not being true to yourself and you need to change back. Someone said the same to me, but they weren't talking about my poetry, they were talking about my personality.

    I don't think that punctuation is needed on this. The lines are really short, so I don't think you need them.

    I like the way you have so much anger behind the words, but you still kept what you were saying. You were angry, but your poem didn't go into a rant.

    I really like this, and it was a good write.

    | Posted on 2008-03-31 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      This was nice. Very striaghtforward and honest, and I love the way it flows.

    My only nitpick is that last line. It's length doesn't quite fit the rest of the write. I thinkfor once and we'll agree should become two separate lines.

    Other than that I wouldn't change anything.

    Kudos, keep writing
    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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