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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Desaparecidosdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    21/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.84 - 162/161/70
    Words: 202
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 88
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1244



    Description:
       poop


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDesaparecidosdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Well we roam through this ghost town
    and kick up our feet
    on the bar of an
    old saloon.

    And we listen to rustling of dead tumbleweed
    and hear a haunting piano tune
    play quietly in the room.

    I fear that my silver bullets
    loaded with so much care
    will have no effect on the occupants here
    nay, they will merely kill air.

    I tremble in my snakeskin boots
    as a wraith like visage plants
    his hand on the butt of his pistol
    and offers me a dueling glance.

    I know I am quicker to the draw
    than any man walking these sands
    But I find a fear rumbling through me
    at the quickness of his ethereal hands.

    Bullets made of nothing
    rip me right to the soul
    and I know that the trek through this ghostly remains of a town will scar me worse than anything to come or before.

    My partner and I ride, fleeing, like hell is in pursuit,
    before the dust of our entrance has time to settle.

    His eyes wider than mine, and his hair tousled.

    We never look back.

    Ever look back.

    Look back.





    Submitted on 2008-03-30 14:51:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      welp lets see how horridly wrong i can be about this shall we?

    "Well we roam through this ghost town
    and kick up our feet
    on the bar of an
    old saloon."

    The thing i look forward to, when reading, is a captivating beginning. something that hooks my interest from the get go. i honestly DO like this one. Except, it is a bit...well i want to find another word for dull and i come up with even more offensive wording, like Intellectually weak, and that's not the angle im trying to get across. the point being is this part should be a bit spiced up. This portion alone has a lot of potential as do most western style themes.
    bah sorry for being vague. Kinda on 4 hours of sleep.

    "And we listen to rustling of dead tumbleweed
    and hear a haunting piano tune
    play quietly in the room."

    i love the image you are trying to use as well here but its a bit weak in that part.

    "We listen to the rustling of the windblown
    tumbleweed, and hear a haunting tune play
    silently filling the room."

    bah another weak version but i think you get my point...? I think you should enhance your vocabulary like for example (dont take this as calling you stupid i really need to write out my thoughts more to move on than for you...cause im awesome like that)
    Dark- shadows, a deathly glance of the pitch dark sky...point being is im exaggerating instead of using the basic English language....[insert foot in mouth]
    moving on.

    "I fear that my silver bullets
    loaded with so much care
    will have no effect on the occupants here
    nay, they will merely kill air."

    um im not much for punctuation myself but in this case i believe it's needed to show where you ment the breaks to be.

    They suck, Dick.
    They suck Dick.

    .....point taken?....

    but i think this is so far my favorite stanza. ionno im a sucker for silverishly things (or so i say >_>;)

    "I tremble in my snakeskin boots
    as a wraith like visage plants
    his hand on the butt of his pistol
    and offers me a dueling glance."

    again punctuation is being stressed here.
    hahaha this makes me think of a funny side way
    glance a kid gives an adult.

    "I tremble within my snakeskin boots.
    A wraith like visage plants his hand on the
    butt of his pistol, then pointedly glares a
    dueling glance."

    uuhm yeah. well you really really need to find a way to enhance your words try being more descriptive in your scenes. im not saying make it complex and a total uncomprehending poem just spoof it up a bit.

    "I know I am quicker to the draw
    than any man walking these sands
    But I find a fear rumbling through me
    at the quickness of his ethereal hands."

    Oh simply beautiful. i honestly have nothing constructive to say here other than...well simply beautiful.

    "Bullets made of nothing
    rip me right to the soul
    and I know that the trek
    through this ghostly remains
    of a town will scar me worse
    than anything to come or before."

    this is a bit vague but still understandable. i think this makes more sense the further down you read, which is probably what you had in mind. i guess there is a lot of depth to this part here than those above. well in my opinion that is ^_^
    Pishaw im so friggen hazzy right now, am i making sense? if not just tell me and ill redo this.

    "My partner and I ride, fleeing, like hell is in pursuit,
    before the dust of our entrance has time to settle.

    His eyes wider than mine, and his hair tousled.

    We never look back.

    Ever look back.

    Look back."

    haha i like how this sounds like the ending to a horror story, more like an R.L. Stine book but with a happy ending im guessing. wow sorry for using such a corny reference but i love R.L. Stine so he like totally rules dude.../end retard moment.

    welp there's my pitiful opinion sorry this wasnt as long as i normally do it, ill prolly do a look over after i get some sleep and pick out the parts i missed and such. Movin on to your next poem

    ~Nikki


    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      As the French would say- "Tabarnaque, que c'est bon!"

    Which, in Florida would mean: "Damn son, you tot'ly bizzlin' homie."

    Plain speak, "Awesome work"
    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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