AVOCADO: Yo wuz up, wuz up, wuz up?! No, wait wrong character.
PIZZA: Who the heck were you suppose to be anyway?
AVOCADO: To be honest, I ain’t gunna lie to you, I have no idea.
PIZZA: Well that’s normal for you. And honestly, to tell you the truth… since when do you have an idea?
AVOCADO: And again… I have no idea.
PIZZA: Well that’s really not the first time that that has happened. Can we just um… skip all that and start over again?
AVOCADO: Well, how do we do that?
PIZZA: Well you could start with “Hey I’m ‘your name here’ and welcome to the show”
AVOCADO: Oh okay. Hey I’m your name here and welcome to the show.
PIZZA hits her forehead with her hand.
PIZZA: You idiot! Never mind! I’m Jill and, unfortunately, this is my co-host Theresa.
AVOCADO has a random moment and smiles more looking blankly at the audience.
AVOCADO: I love grapes!
PIZZA looks confused at AVOCADO.
PIZZA: O…K? Sure. Anyway, I’m Pizza and that’s…. that’s Avocado.
AVOCADO: Ok, now that we know who we are… let’s start the show with a BAM! Can I get a BAZING, pizza?
PIZZA does a hand movement as she speaks.
PIZZA: BA-ZING!!!
AVOCADO: Thank you.
PIZZA: You’re welcome. So Theresa… what did you do this summer?
AVOCADO: Well I…
PIZZA interrupts her.
PIZZA: No let me tell you what she did this summer. Okay we all know it was hot out. So one day I get a call from who? Theresa.
AVOCADO points to herself with her thumb as she speaks.
AVOCADO: That’s me!
PIZZA kind of pushes her alittle to the side just enough to be in front of her.
PIZZA: Yeah we know, so anyway… She calls me and says “Jill man it’s hot you gotta come over in my pool and swim.” So I said sure why not. So I got my bathing suit and a big ol’ beach ball and went over to her house. So I get there and in her front yard there’s a $200 inflatable 2 foot pool. I was like so embarrassed, I felt like a moron. I went and put a chair in the pool and sat there.
AVOCADO: At least it was refreshing! I refreshed you this summer! I don’t see you refreshing me!
PIZZA grabs two glasses that were on a small table and hands AVOCADO one. PIZZA holds up her glass.
PIZZA: You want me to refresh you? Okay I’ll refresh you. Cheers!
AVOCADO holds up her glass as well and they clink the glasses together in a toast like form.
AVOCADO: I’ll drink to that.
PIZZA and AVOCADO both take a sip of their drinks.
PIZZA: Are you refreshed now buddy?
AVOCADO: Yeah that was excelente! Sorry, I figured I’d give my Spanish a try.
PIZZA looks at her seriously with concern.
PIZZA: I’m gunna say this to you now because I actually care about you: Step away while you’re ahead.
AVOCADO: Word
PIZZA looks confusedly at the audience and at AVOCADO.
PIZZA: What?
AVOCADO: Word
PIZZA still confused look on her face.
PIZZA: What word?
AVOCADO: What?
PIZZA: You said word.
AVOCADO: Word
PIZZA still confused.
PIZZA: What?
AVOCADO: Oh snap! What the heck?!? Man word is like I heard that.
PIZZA still confused.
PIZZA: Heard what?
AVOCADO: OH BOY!
PIZZA rolls her eyes at her and moves on to a new subject.
PIZZA: So what else did you do this summer… besides buying that $200 inflatable 2 foot pool?
AVOCADO: Well I went to Santa Anna and attempted to steal a car.
PIZZA: Weren’t you afraid of the cops?
AVOCADO: No, have you seen the cops in Santa Anna?
PIZZA: What?
AVOCOADO: Cops on bicycles.
PIZZA: What’s wrong with that?
AVOCADO: Tell me what’s so intimidating about this.” Okay pull it over! Ching Ching!” What do they say when they arrest someone. “Okay in the basket”
PIZZA: That’s terrible.
AVOCADO: Yeah but it’s true. Okay what did you do this summer Jill?
PIZZA: I sat on a chair at my computer and went on the computer.
AVOCADO: And what did you do… download porn?
PIZZA: Oh yeah, and a pig just flew out the window.
AVOCADO looks out the window pointing in shock.
AVOCADO: OH MY GOSH! Did you see that pig?!? Did you get that on camera?!?
PIZZA: Okay no we didn’t sorry. No I did alittle thing called roleplaying.Ever heard of it?
AVOCADO: Yeah actually I have! I own a roleplaying account on myspace.
PIZZA: Oh thank God I don’t have to explain that to you.
AVOCADO: Nope.So what else can we talk about?
PIZZA: So who do you have a crush on?
PIZZA elbows AVOCADO in the arm to get her to tell.
AVOCADO: I’ll tell you this much… he ain’t in this school, cause there ain’t nothin’ here.
PIZZA holds up her pointer finger.
PIZZA: I beg to differ.
PIZZA puts her finger down.
AVOCADO: You would.
PIZZA: I heard it was that, uhhh, Pierre Bouvier from Simple Plan.
AVOCADO: Well you heard right! I ain’t scared to say it either. Who do you have a crush on?
PIZZA: Do you want me to start at the top of the list or the bottom?
AVOCADO: Neither cause I don’t wanna hear it at all.
PIZZA: Then why did you ask?
AVOCADO: Hmm… no idea. I’ll tell you when I figure that out.
PIZZA whispers at first then speaks louder.
PIZZA: Yeah we’ll be here forever. You do that. So what else can we talk about?
AVOCADO: Hmmm… well there’s always politics.
PIZZA: Yeah let’s talk about something that “normal” kids would understand.
AVOCADO: Right…. I got nothin’
PIZZA: You saw “Snakes On A Plane” right?
AVOCADO: Yeah… you were with me.
PIZZA: Right. So what did you think of the movie?
AVOCADO: It was awesome!! “AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Who’s your daddy now?”
PIZZA: How bout “Accpeted”?
AVOCADO: That was good too. I would so make it into that school.
PIZZA: Yeah we all know that.
AVOCADO: Yeah. So, Jill what are you studying in school now?
PIZZA: Hmm…. Some geometry I guess.
AVOCADO: Geometry, that’s that’s the one with the continents right?
PIZZA: No. That’s geography.
AVOCADO: Oh, so it’s the one with the rocks?
PIZZA: No. That’s geology, I’m taking geometry.
AVOCADO: Geometry, Geography, Geology what’s the difference… they all start with J?
PIZZA: Oh well I have another word for you… Jidiot!
PIZZA hits AVOCADO in the back of the head.
AVOCADO: What was that for?
PIZZA: For being a jidiot.
AVOCADO shrugs then jumps.
AVOCADO: Okay. I wanna go to Canada when I die.
PIZZA: That’s completely off topic… but can you even do that??
AVOCADO: Well if you can’t go to Canada when you die… well then I’m not gunna die.
PIZZA: Oh, well, good luck with that one.
AVOCADO: You know what I just don’t get, Jill…
PIZZA: You don’t get much.
AVOCADO: No… NASCAR.
PIZZA: Well NASCAR is very popular.
AVOCADO: I know I just don’t get it. What? Grown men driving 500 miles… in a circle! What the heck?! What kind of 3 ½ hours is this.” They’re making a left turn, they’re making another left turn, they’re making another left turn! Let’s go to a commercial… you ain’t gunna miss a thing!”
PIZZA: That’s terrible!
AVOCADO: No it’s not it’s the truth. But you know what’s worse?
PIZZA: Your face?!
AVOCADO: Okay you’re real funny. No I heard that they took a bunch of deaf people to see the ventriloquist! Think about this for a second! They… took…deaf people… to see…the… ventriloquist!! WHAT?!?
PIZZA: Yeah I guess that’s kinda funny…
AVOCADO: What do they have planned for next week… Oh take all the blind people to see David Copperfield!
PIZZA: Okay enough with your lame-o jokes!
AVOCADO: Hmmm… lame-o… isn’t that a little second grade-ish?
PIZZA: Hey I got a question….
AVOCADO: Well I may just have an answer.
PIZZA: Why is it always the longest directions to the bathroom?
AVOCADO: What do you mean?
PIZZA: I mean… Okay when you’re at a party and you gotta go. So after you find the host you ask where the bathroom is right?
AVOCADO: Yeah.
PIZZA: And what’s the answer you get… “Okay you’re gunna go down the hall and to the left.” “Okay thank you” “No wait I’m not done. Then you’re gunna go left and go through the door on your right… not the left one that will explode, we gotta fix that… then take the dragon around the house then it’ll be the 18th door on the right.”
AVOCADO: Yeah that’s true.
PIZZA: See what I mean?
AVOCADO: Hey you know what I really wanna be….
PIZZA: Oh no! What do you wanna be?
AVOCADO: I wanna be a snake.
PIZZA: A… snake?
AVOCADO: Yeah, whenever I turn on the TV and see a snake I’m like “Why not me?”
PIZZA: Why would you wanna be a snake?
AVOCADO: Well if someone is getting you mad you can just shake your butt and be like “Back off buddy…” Then if they keep bothering you, you just bite them and… they die.
PIZZA: Oh yeah that’s a good way to settle things.
AVOCADO: Isn’t it?
PIZZA: No, you know what’s even better?
AVOCADO: What?
PIZZA: Pepperoni pizza with sprinkles. (if audience goes “ewww!”) What?! Hey don’t knock it unless you tried it.
AVOCADO: Yeah I think we actually have some right here.
AVOCADO looks through her bag and takes out some pizza.
PIZZA: Well yeah that’s the pizza.
AVOCADO looks through her bag again and takes out the sprinkles.
AVOCADO: And sprinkles… sprinkles… Ah! Here we go.
PIZZA: Do you carry sprinkles with you everywhere?
AVOCADO: What...doesn’t everyone else?
PIZZA: Not really.
AVOCADO: Well they should.
PIZZA: Yeah anyways let’s eat.
PIZZA and AVOCADO both take a bite out of the sprinkle pizza.
AVOCADO: Awww man! That’s really good.
PIZZA: Yeah… do you know what always bothered me?
AVOCADO: what?
PIZZA: Is a pop-tart a boy or a girl? In the little cartoons it could be both.
AVOCADO: You seriously need a life.
PIZZA: Think about it.
AVOCADO: Yeah. Hey if it’s a guy can we name it Bob?
PIZZA: And if it’s a girl?
AVOCADO: Bobette of course.
PIZZA: Okay yeah sure whatever.
AVOCADO: Hey you started that whole conversation so I don’t know what you’re complaining about.
PIZZA: Yeah I guess so… yeah you’re right.
AVOCADO: No… I’m right-handed but I do have a left and a right side.
PIZZA: Oh ha ha ha ha very funny.
AVOCADO: Oh oh oh I got a joke!
PIZZA: Okay what?
AVOCADO: Okay there was a hippo and a rhino on a boat okay?
PIZZA: Yeah.
AVOCADO: Okay this is a really good one. Okay. There is a hippo and a rhino on a boat.
PIZZA: Yeah you said that.
AVOCADO: I know! Okay so there’s this hippo and rhino on a boat.
PIZZA: Get on with it.
AVOCADO: Okay! There is a hippo and rhino on a boat.
PIZZA: T-T-T-Today freshman!!!!!!
AVOCADO: Okay okay!
PIZZA: So there’s a hippo and rhino on a boat…
AVOCADO: hey did you hear this joke on TV too? Anyway so there’s a hippo and a rhino on a boat… and … and it’s really funny.
PIZZA: Then what is it?!?!
AVOCADO: Well… I… I can’t remember the rest of the joke but it’s a really good one.
PIZZA: okay no more jokes from you.
AVOCADO: No no no I got another one!
PIZZA: Fine go ahead.
AVOCADO: Okay… what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
PIZZA: I don’t know what?
AVOCADO: Damn.
PIZZA: Lame!
AVOCADO:… but funny.
PIZZA: Okay got any more?
AVOCADO: Yeah… what did the cat say to the unicorn?
PIZZA: I don’t know.
AVOCADO: Well I don’t know either… I was hoping you would say the answer.
PIZZA: Oh… well you’re tough outta luck.
AVOCADO: Yeah I guess so… oh well.
PIZZA: Oh my gosh! Theresa I think I just got smartical.
AVOCADO: That’s something unusual. What did Jill find out?
PIZZA: Jill found out something awesome. Okay you know how we have A, AA, AAA, C, and D batteries?
AVOCADO: Sure enough.
PIZZA: Well the alphabet doesn’t go A, C, D it goes A, B, C, D.
AVOCADO: Your point.
PIZZA: My point is… there are no B batteries. And I know why.
AVOCADO: Okay Jill why are there no such thing as a B battery.
PIZZA: Because… when you say it it sounds like you’re stuttering. “Can I have a B battery?” “Hey do we have any B-batteries?”
AVOCADO: Yeah uh duh. Okay now that you said that we are all a lot stupider now. Thank you very much.
PIZZA: Oh no problem.
AVOCADO: Oh you know there’s this video and its budget looks like it was $5
PIZZA: Oh… and what video would that be?
AVOCADO: Oh come on you know it! It’s “Here It Goes Again” by OK GO.
PIZZA: Oh yeah that video is awesome though!
AVOCADO: My fav part is when the clap and then jump onto the treadmills. Oh yeah then there’s that part when they are walking that’s cool too.
PIZZA: Yeah. Hey I think I saw you at the mall with your mom… it could have been someone else though.
AVOCADO: Well what was ‘I’ wearing?
PIZZA: You were wearing pants.
AVOCADO: Hmmm pants…. Yeah that sounds like me.
PIZZA: See I knew it was you!
AVOCADO: Yup you sure did.
PIZZA looks at her watch.
PIZZA: Oh would you look at the time?
AVOCADO takes her watch off and looks at it upside down then realizes it and turns it to be right side up.
AVOCADO: Oh my gosh! Oh sorry upside down.
PIZZA: Yeah we could do this all day, and something tells me she could too, but we gotta make like her personality… and split!
AVOCADO: I still love grapes!
PIZZA: Get out now! Before it gets too ugly.
PIZZA drags AVOCADO off the stage.
END |
Submission Name: The Avocado & Pizza Show
).