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Light Year

Author: LucyDiamond
ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365 /575 /251
Words: 146
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1086
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1044


inspired by a single picture that took me by surprise. it's trite.

Light Year

Your lips are touching
it’s never going to last—
later you wish
you could take it back.

I’m watching from the steps.

You’re holding hands
and rubbing noses—
writing love letters
and buying roses.

I’m watching from the balcony.

You’re both smiling soft
and sharing dreams—
the flutter in your stomach,
what might that mean?

I’m watching from the rooftop.

Your feet are entwined
under the sunset—
you’re remembering the first
time your eyes met.

I’m watching from the attic
I’m watching from my room
I’ve no idea
what that must be like—

I’m watching from the moon.

I’m watching from the clouds
I’m watching from the sky
the thing is completely
foreign to me—

and I have no idea why.

Submitted on 2008-04-02 02:58:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like the teleporting, the pairing of the speed with which you change places and the slow permenance of their kiss/love. You're distinct seperateness is well done :-)

I thought the second to last paragraph was by far the weakest.

To improve it, It's hard to say. But, I'd most likely say: the places you're watching from, what do they mean? the office? the commitments that prevented you from reaching that kiss? Why is that Love so foreign? Personally, I think including those in the details of your teleportation will make the poem stronger.

But I really like it. :-)
| Posted on 2008-04-02 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]

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