Mind Games -------------------------------------------
Toxic whispers split and mutate in her mind
Crawling shivers creeping up and down her spine
In the darkness lurks a danger she can’t find
In the mirror is the image she denies
Noxious secrets build and slither through her skull
Blades of daggers scratch and drag across her soul
Handles worn, once-shiny metal rusts and dulls
Vile creature, she is dreadful to behold
Crimson dreadlocks twist and squirm across her back
Dripping slowly, leaving lines and tiny cracks
Riddled porcelain, cold and faded into black
Lips of morphine stop her victims in their tracks
Finally, my promised comment is here, Hawky! Sorry it took so long - did i mention I've recently acquired a PS3? Um, yeah. It's a distraction.
Anyhow, let's get cracking. You mentioned you wanted constructive criticism for this piece and although I don't normally overly bash people's writing, I shall attempt to point out a few things I think may help improve this write (if it even needs any more improving). Here I go...
Okay, first off I really like your choice of vocab. The language you use trips off the tongue quite effectively and conjures some nice images. That said, I think you have to be careful to not over describe in your writing. Sometimes putting too many adjectives and verbs in a piece can take away focus instead of adding to it. Thoughts and emotions can be just as easily conveyed through an economy of words.
I have to say I like the Medusa type connotations to the piece, especially in the line “Crimson dreadlocks twist and squirm across her back”. That’s possibly my favourite line. There’s something intensely disturbing about her: her alien-ness and innate disposition for harming others – it’s simply in her nature. The whole piece is practically dripping with poison and scorn. It’s very powerful.
Amendments-wise, there are only three changes I, personally, would make. Feel free to ignore them.
1) First verse, second line – change ‘creeping’ to ‘creep’ to keep to the pattern set by the rest of the stanza.
2) Second verse, fourth line – again I like the choice of vocabulary and but I’m not sure the end word ‘behold’ fits well. Maybe consider a reworking of this line to maximise the impact of the stanza by changing that last word.
3) Third verse, first line – although I love it, I’d maybe consider changing ‘across’ to ‘on’ just to shorten the syllable count and make it flow better.
Your final line is also pretty damn nice. The linking of morphine – addictive, dangerous, deadly – with something so appealing as lips and then connecting it to a word (tracks), which not only describes a cease in motion but also relates back to drug-taking, is pretty genius. That’s a long-ass sentence I just wrote; I hope it makes sense. Either way, though – whether you meant that double meaning or not – it works very well.
Overall, I think it’s a solid piece. You clearly describe the toxic nature of this person on your well-being by using imaginative metaphors and vivid imagery to good effect. Other than taking the few comments I’ve made in this critique into consideration, there’s not a whole lot to improve on. Well done, Hawky. It was a fascinating read.
Submission Name: Mind Games
