Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blue Eyed Babydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silencer
    ASL Info:    25/m/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 52/66/29
    Words: 296
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Serious
    Total Views: 636
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1548



    Description:
       Almost cried writing this one ... if you need a tune to match this to, the closest thing is Jason Aldean - Laughed Untill We Cried . If you listen to that and replace the lyrics with mine the rhyme scheme will make more sense. Of course I have my own music for it( with a chorus might I add) of course but that song is the closest thing I could think of.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlue Eyed Babydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was sittin' there just the other night,
    Just my brother and me with a few Bud Lights, and the night was cold.
    Yeah we told mama we were gonna be the young and bold.

    It was a decision we made to fight to be free,
    To have the life of a soldier that's the life for me, but I couldn't tell; not the one I love to death.

    I didn't think the last time I'd see my blue eyed baby she'd be cryin' and squeezin' me, but my mind was set. Oh I got aboard that jumbo jet.

    Well I trained and trained for thirty-six weeks, but it wasn't enough. I broke down in the head at the sight of some of that stuff. Soon enough I couldn't even sleep; I would shake in bed and cry in my hands, but the visions that haunted wouldn't go away. I wish I was still just bailin' hay.

    But I came to terms with the things I'd done, but I still won't forget the last thing I did, and it was all I could do. Well it was an awful day I was hurt and bloody, but all I could think was he's my buddy so I dropped my gun. I picked him up and all I could think was run.

    Well we almost made it back to the road, but my legs went weak and I fell under the load. They told me he survived, said I was gonna' be alright. I said thanks doc, and he held my hand tight.

    All I could think was my blue eyed girl cryin' her eyes out through her curls. So that's when I knew, the doctor had lied.




    Submitted on 2008-04-03 02:11:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It seemed like a mini story in a way. Any poem or lyric can be a story, but the format you used made it seem more storylike. If you want it to be more lyrical, I would recommend breaking up the lines a bit. Other than that, I found it to be a piece that focused on the traditional boy going to war and realizing he isn't suited to be a man just yet. Gotta enjoy the simple things in life like bailin' hay.
    The ending was definite a hard hit to the reader. It brought it all back to the beginning and almost made me want to cry. The terrible price of war.

    Good write.

    Peace, Love, Some Jazz
    Ren
    | Posted on 2010-09-29 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, so yeah. Finally gotten around to commenting on this. I disagree with hyporoglo first off. I see this as easy to hear as a country song. I hear no specific voice in my head....just a country one...
    Wow. This would make a great song hon. And even though it is easily heard as a song, it tells a great story...ha. as most country songs do. And...um....yeah...I almost cried while reading this...This piece kind of reminds me of my cous in Iraq. Wondering how he is, the next time I will get to see him.....[censored] damn it. *close to tears* Well, to say the least, this is definitely an emotional write. I would say that I'm sorry that this happened to you, but it was indeed your choice to join up. Now, about your friend, that I am greatly sorry for. Death seems to be around alot lately and it saddens me. Um, this may sound like a cop-out, but I am honestly at a loss for words....despite what I've written so far. It was a beautiful piece hon, and I thank you ever so much for sharing. Peace and inspiration!

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-04-08 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting. It was presented more in the form of a story than a song, so it made it a little bit harder to pick up a good rhythm and flow to it, but nonetheless, I managed too. Didnt listen to the song you said to listen to though. But it did read like a good ol fashioned John Mellencamp tune and had the same type of vibe to it.

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    159802

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Giving written by jjd
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    This written by Chelebel
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Wavelength written by saartha
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry