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    dots Submission Name: The Forsaken Versedots

    Author: The Conqueror
    ASL Info:    21/female/Missouri
    Elite Ratio:    3.48 - 178/204/42
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 982
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 756

       altered a little...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Forsaken Versedots

    A snatch of sodden white flutters
    Low in the tufts of grass
    Caught in the motion
    Of the multitudes that pass
    And all of these people
    Nothing, they see
    But a small bit of paper,
    Mere trash or debris
    But to one nameless someone
    That thing meant the world
    Before it was ripped
    And yellowed and curled
    Before itís desertion
    It meant endless blue skies
    The bright smile of flowers
    Or a pair of brown eyes
    It meant wishes now forgotten
    And stories untold
    It held the heart of a dreamer
    In each tiny fold
    The tower of possibilities
    The valley of loss
    The mountains of hope
    Abandoned and tossed

    Submitted on 2008-04-03 11:52:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The meter is improved, and I like the new title! It is a delightful poem, and an excellent story idea! It was just too good of a writing to not be brought to its very best! I hope you didn't mind my comments or suggestions.
    | Posted on 2008-04-04 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree in essence with Ron.....however, I would also question his offering. Your theme and structure demands a tight rhyme and words that fit the pace and beat that you have set.

    Hope that makes sense to you.

    Great poem none the less.

    | Posted on 2008-04-04 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece. It seems very creative and I love every choice of word you used. I'd call it actually genius because I like it that much. :P

    The tower of possibilities
    The valley loss
    The mountains of hope
    Abandoned and tossed

    Those lines right there I absolutely love. The ending was perfect. Good job! Thanks for sharing!

    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey I like this one alot. If we were at a poetry reading I think I'd wanna hear you talk trash.
    This is a good write.

    The Poor Man's Poet.
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]
      The moving hand, having writ, moves on .......

    There is a compelling story in this contemplative verse, and you display an artist talent in its creation.

    It has the making of a sensational poem, but more effort needs to be paid to the meter of the verse; it needs to be more rythmic;

    an example:

    'A flash of bright white flutters
    Low in the fresh green grass
    Caught in the breeze and motion
    Of the people that casually pass'

    It is a brilliant poetic idea; a discarded piece of paper, now only trash, that once represented a priceless treasure, and that once moved the heart and soul of someone!


    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]

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