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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heartbrokendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hawkeye
    ASL Info:    20/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    2.47 - 9/18/10
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 684



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeartbrokendots
    -------------------------------------------


    My heart is aching
    My soul burns
    what do I do?
    I sit here and think
    about you and you decisions
    I wonder if you made a mistake
    by being with me
    you never seem happy
    you never seem to smile
    what am I going to do
    when nothing I do is good enough
    I don't want to make you miserable
    I don't want you to suffer
    What am I going to do
    I can't bear to see you like this
    you are breaking my heart
    I love you so much
    But sometime I believe
    that your not sure
    I sit here alone and wonder
    are you truly happy
    or do you feel alone?




    Submitted on 2008-04-03 12:29:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Overall, I think it was a pretty decent poem. I think it could be a little better, but this is a good start.

    I think that you could add some more to it. It has some detail, but I think it could be a little more to it.

    The grammar wasn't as bad as I see in some poems, but I saw a few mistakes in it.

    "I sit here and think
    about you and you decisions"

    I think you meant

    "I sit here and think
    about you and your decisions"

    "But sometime I believe"

    I think you meant

    "But sometimes I believe"

    Otherwise, I don't see anything else wrong. If you want to add more to it, you can. If not, well it's your decision.

    Nice Write
    ~*~katara~*~


    | Posted on 2008-04-18 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey hun! Good write overall, it really let you get your thoughts out, eh? I think you need to work a bit on your grammar and punctuation, dear.
    Heartbroken
    "My heart is aching
    My soul burns
    what do I do?
    I sit here and think
    about you and you decisions"

    Take this part to begin with, the first part seems to be one sentence, but your punctuation isn't as good as it could be fore it.... you should work on that a bit. And in the second sentence, I believe you meant to say "your" not you and you. Just some little glitches like that, fix em up a bit and this could be a really great write hun! Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2008-04-05 00:00:00 | by Good Enough | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this! Everyone can understand this, because it happens so much. And it sucks because the other person wont answer you honestly, even though somtimes they arent even aware of it themselves!

    Poetic/grammar advice-
    about you and you decisions
    should be
    About you and your decisions.

    but sometime I believe
    should be
    but sometimes I believe

    I think it would be nice if you changed
    "what am I going to do
    when nothing I do is good enough"
    to
    What am I going to do,
    When nothing I do is good enough for you?
    this way it rhymes and flows better

    I made a few other changes as well, here is the whole revised thing..

    My heart is aching,
    my soul burns,
    what do I do?
    I sit here and think,
    about you and your decisions.
    I wonder if you made a mistake,
    by being with me.
    You never seem happy,
    never seem to smile.
    What am I going to do,
    When nothing I do is good enough for you?
    I don't want to make you miserable,
    don't want you to suffer.
    What am I going to do?
    I can't bear to see you like this…
    you are breaking my heart.
    I love you so much,
    but sometimes I believe,
    that your not sure.
    I sit here alone and wonder,
    are you truly happy.
    Or do you feel alone?


    They were all just small things like punctutation and such

    And my changes are only suggestions.
    I try to give you critiques that will help and not just be there, you no?

    Anyways, keep it up!

    -Shadow Doll (Safire)
    | Posted on 2008-04-05 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this, very simple and it kind of gives you something to think about. Don't you wish you could read peoples minds? (Especially of the male species!) This piece makes me feel like I'm confused when I read it, so good job!

    -inkpen
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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