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    dots Submission Name: Phantom Heartache (rewrite of "There are teardots

    Author: freshcookies
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 63/77/45
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 792
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 903

       Like the title says, this is a rewrite of the last poem I posted.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhantom Heartache (rewrite of "There are teardots

    There are tears hiding in your confident voice.
    They peek out through the vowels and darken the depths of your eyes.
    I watch the jagged edges of her memory draw across your heart
    Tearing new holes in its raw and aching flesh

    Now your tears have sprung up in my clumsy words.
    They gallivant in my concern, then drop from my whispers
    And sting the scrapes on my heart, which translucently mirror yours.

    You’re held together by a fragment of hope,
    Ripped, stretched, and tied precariously around your chest.
    I wish to offer myself as your bandage,
    But my touch could never keep your scars from bleeding.

    I watch as the wind tears viciously at your open wounds
    (The same breezes which breathe, so gently, joy and love to me!)
    And, helpless, fear my heart will rupture with your pain.

    Submitted on 2008-04-03 14:07:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Well- just like in 'there are tears hiding in your confident voice'- I'd remove the word 'out' to help with the flow of the 2nd line. And in the 3rd line- maybe 'drag' in place of 'draw'...

    Over-all the piece flows much better! I can't say what one I like better, though... They both have some great lines / imagery working for them...

    I like the fact that you could take and rework it like this.
    Shows you got a lot of skill and an open mind! -Both very good things to have, indeed...

    "But my touch could never keep your scars from bleeding." MUCH better line than "But my touch can only soothe you for a moment."

    If there was some way you could work the two into one with a parenthesized/lowercase type of method- like a whisper of the old in the new... But that's just me saying things that are easier said than done.

    I think I do like this one better- now that I read it again.

    *love & light*

    | Posted on 2008-04-09 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]

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