Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Groin of Guiltdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandolin
    ASL Info:    10/15/89
    Elite Ratio:    5.4 - 131/145/85
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 887
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 772



    Description:
       Sampson.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGroin of Guiltdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Angry as robbed bees,
    savage flutter,
    shapeless anxiety climbing the crest;
    honey clinging to swords.
    Words dripping defect and disorder;
    defenseless stones beaten with a body,
    murdered fists,
    slaughtered against a humming breast.
    Canvas of flames stain old wax older,
    candles of mold kissing liquid seeds.
    Thoughts careening,
    death falling from foreheads.
    Sleep mirrors the defeats,
    obvious poverty,
    the inheritance of carnations,
    and guilty confessing knees.
    Today,
    birds feast upon winged question;
    tonight,
    the carcass runs wild within itself;
    for now, robbed freedoms bleeds,
    and soon,
    the bees will come to feed.




    Submitted on 2008-04-07 19:17:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wonderful piece. My favorite lines:

    "Canvas of flames stain old wax older,"
    "and guilty confessing knees."

    Those are absolutely brilliant, so much so I wish I had written them. Loved the ending, perfect. The only real critique I can give is tell you to read it aloud, and make sure the lines naturally break where the commas are. Also, I'm not so much a fan of the title. True, it lured me in to read this piece, but after having read the poem, I don't think the two fit.

    Other than those two suggestions, I loved this poem. Great write.
    | Posted on 2008-04-08 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      I then add: Then will the hive be smothered with the gossamer of worms blocking entry? It is not for me to say how your heart shall stand in wonder why the bees have found another home.
    I liked the lyrical foundation,it flowed nicely.
    This is a good treatis on disrupted love.
    | Posted on 2008-04-08 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    159961

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Shi written by ShyOne
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    prison written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry