[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Groin of Guiltdots

    Author: Mandolin
    ASL Info:    10/15/89
    Elite Ratio:    5.4 - 131/145/85
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 897
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 772


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGroin of Guiltdots

    Angry as robbed bees,
    savage flutter,
    shapeless anxiety climbing the crest;
    honey clinging to swords.
    Words dripping defect and disorder;
    defenseless stones beaten with a body,
    murdered fists,
    slaughtered against a humming breast.
    Canvas of flames stain old wax older,
    candles of mold kissing liquid seeds.
    Thoughts careening,
    death falling from foreheads.
    Sleep mirrors the defeats,
    obvious poverty,
    the inheritance of carnations,
    and guilty confessing knees.
    birds feast upon winged question;
    the carcass runs wild within itself;
    for now, robbed freedoms bleeds,
    and soon,
    the bees will come to feed.

    Submitted on 2008-04-07 19:17:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wonderful piece. My favorite lines:

    "Canvas of flames stain old wax older,"
    "and guilty confessing knees."

    Those are absolutely brilliant, so much so I wish I had written them. Loved the ending, perfect. The only real critique I can give is tell you to read it aloud, and make sure the lines naturally break where the commas are. Also, I'm not so much a fan of the title. True, it lured me in to read this piece, but after having read the poem, I don't think the two fit.

    Other than those two suggestions, I loved this poem. Great write.
    | Posted on 2008-04-08 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      I then add: Then will the hive be smothered with the gossamer of worms blocking entry? It is not for me to say how your heart shall stand in wonder why the bees have found another home.
    I liked the lyrical foundation,it flowed nicely.
    This is a good treatis on disrupted love.
    | Posted on 2008-04-08 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Love written by saartha
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    written by Daniel Barlow
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Ache written by rev.jpfadeproof
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Carry written by saartha
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    AI written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Push written by JanePlane




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]