Let me just start by saying that I'm sorry I'm writing this.
I'm sure you've noticed my little flashbacks to our relationship, as you've been on the receiving end of them most of the time and I'm sorry for that. I know I need to move on and I think you know I need to move on, also.
Recently I looked at all the things you've sent me over the years - all the things I've stashed away in boxes and never mentioned to you again, unless it was a friendly "hey! Send me my damn package!" which I always said with a smiling face that you never would have been able to see. Honestly, I'm a little afraid to get the package, because I don't remember what nostalgia might be in there - but I'm curious, nonetheless.
I feel like through our whole relationship, I had the feeling in the back of my head that I would never get to see you or touch you or smell you or hear you because it would never have lasted that long, in all actuality. Otherwise, we'd probably still be angst-ridden little children, trying hold on to what we told ourselves our gods wanted us to do and in the end, I just had no idea what I was doing. I'm sorry things ended up the way they did, but I have to thank you for the courage it must have taken to end it when you did. If you didn't, I just would have been running into the same walls over and over again, trying to get some nebulous, childish feeling from you. I'm sorry I was so attached - I was just young and needy. I hope you can forgive me.
I think the reason I haven't been able to let go is because that feeling is so concrete and realistic, now - I will never actually see you or touch you or smell you or hear your voice in person, not hidden by static. I suppose I just have to accept that fact and cope with this current reality. I feel like you might as well have been a figment of my imagination - someone secret that I talked to for hours in my room by myself, yet I never had any proof that you existed - not even to myself, besides those memories you sent me in the mail.
When I was looking through the things you had sent me, I found this picture of you that you sent me a long time ago. I had found it before, but, to protect my psyche, I guess, my brain paid as little attention to it as possible and pushed all memories attached to it to the back of my mind. The picture was no longer familiar to me. But this time, for whatever reason, I looked at it like I would have looked at it when I first got it, when were together - for comfort and solace. Immediately, your facial features jumped up from the picture and I started to recognize all the little things that I tried to memorize on your face, back then, so I could see you in my head whenever I wanted to, I suppose.
It was a little too much to handle.
I looked on into the little shoe box I've had dedicated to you. There were a bunch of inside jokes and letters. There was an envelope which I had labeled "this was the first letter she sent to you." It was very strange reading and seeing all those things and almost having completely forgot about them. That's not right, to just forget about things that have been so important to me in the past.
Once again, I'm sorry for writing this - I feel like I have to get things out one final time. I mean, letting go of something is just teaching yourself to neglect a huge, educational portion of your life - to leave it behind. I don't want to do that at all. I will take it with me and as I experience new, beautiful and horrible times in my life. I'll remember what you taught me and I hope you will, too. So thank you. Thank you so much. I hope you find so much happiness in the world.