Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unhingeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rainbowXrazors
    ASL Info:    16-Female-In my head..
    Elite Ratio:    6.18 - 414/236/81
    Words: 191
    Class/Type: Misc/Angry
    Total Views: 977
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1254



    Description:
       Just something I cooked up lyrically and emotionally ten minutes ago.

    Nothing big..nothing good..just something I needed to get out. It may be a little blunt and angry..but that kind of stuff happens.

    I never got to an ending, so if you have any suggestions, feel free..to suggest.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnhingeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've gone mad
    I can still hear it today

    "I'm sorry I washed
    your dreams away
    It didnt mean anything
    not to me anyway

    I want you back
    more than I can ever say
    please baby..please
    just meet me halfway"

    Fuck that
    Fuck you
    and fuck her too
    oh wait you already did
    like a kid you hid
    within the walls of that cunt

    "It was just sex
    not like you and me
    when time broke free
    six hours of a love
    I could never get sick of
    I could never get rid of.

    She meant nil
    just a thrill
    to fill
    just a slut
    with a strut
    that made me bust a nut

    not like you
    and our-"

    Shut the fuck up!
    Yeah,
    she spread her legs like a dog in heat
    a runaway that you found on the street
    she's a bitch
    cheap trick for this dick
    But you
    like a baby sucking off of my tit
    fuck you
    theres nothing you can say
    to change what you did that day
    spineless shit, get away

    you'll never get me back




    Submitted on 2008-04-08 15:22:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow this sounds like a pantera song!!!! it rhymes and rides just like a pantera song, very well done! you have some very graphic details here and a lot of rage and disgust, which usually makes for a good song anyway! no ending is needed, you already have it there.....don't change a thing!!! maybe say the parts.... "not like you and our-" and "you'll never get me back" ... say it like a grizzly bear would, it will give the song definition and endings are very memorable, when they don't just fade out....plus if you're actually singing the rest, it will be a good contrast, like the song "hellbound" by pantera. rawr!!!!!
    | Posted on 2008-04-09 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, for the most part it flows. Personally, I think, it is catchy...very rhythmy(sp). I like it. It makes my blood rush, and thats awesome because I am guessing that your blood was rushing when you wrote this too.

    I could never get sick of
    I could never get rid of

    I like that part... but it needs somin more ... UMPH ish... you know? The rest of it just screams, but I don't know... that part seems a bit stiff.
    | Posted on 2008-04-08 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    159995

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry