I thought about it many times, that day back when it first started, the day where I first thought there might be something different about me. I was only in 2nd grade when that happened. I was playing four square with a group of my friends, Christina was her name, she was a friend of mine, and her mother and sister were there. Our school was having a festival day and she came to help. I told her I thought Christina was very pretty, she gave me a look, a look that made me think that this thought was wrong. And maybe it was I thought she was cute just like I thought this boy in our class, Mitchell was I thought about holding her hand every once in awhile, I thought about giving her a kiss. Her look made me feel wrong, as though I had disobeyed my mother, like I had displeased her in some way. I pushed that day away, I pushed that thought away, I didnít want to displease her, and I didnít want to displease our church, I was raised catholic, and though I didnít yet know what homosexuality was, I knew some how, maybe because I had never seen two women together or two men, that came a bit later, that it was considered wrong.
I remember sitting in the church staring at a statue of Mary, thinking about what I felt, only wanting to be a good girl. Years later when I was in my early teens I remember doing the same thing, except this time I wanted to be true to myself, I wanted to be good to myself. Now this wasnít in terms of sexuality, this was when I walked away from the church it wasnít for another few years that I looked back at all of that. That day was interesting, it was after finding my own faith, and finding an identity, though not complete, that I was comfortable living in that I started re-thinking my sexuality. As a kid I remember my very first kiss was with my best friend Jessica, ironically it occurred in a closet, we pretended to be thinking of boys and maybe she was, but me well I was thinking about her. I remember another time, I was still young, but another girl and me grouped under covers, she held me and got on top of me, I liked it. I thought about my middle school best friend, how bad I wanted something to occur between us, but how every time that thought occurred I shook it away. A funny thing is I tried to justify my liking for women, with the idea that I liked the sexual erotica, it came with women and men though in different ways, sex in any form was arousing, thus I was straight I just had a liking for sexual acts of any kind. But no, the ideas haunted me, I worried about being lesbian, worried about my parents, and wondered how I could still be with my boyfriend at the time. Didnít know how to work out the kinks.
I soon realized it wasnít sex that I liked it was girls, and then I realized that it couldnít be that simple, I was into my boyfriend, I had been into guys just like I had been girls. And suddenly it occurred to me. I was bi-. In many ways, it was relieving, it made sense I figured out my sexuality, knew who I was. Then again, it was terrifying I wasnít straight, I knew my parents would flip out on me. And I felt guilty, was this who I really was? Or was I deviating from the norm on purpose? I didnít say it to anyone, didnít let anyone know I had a girlfriend off and on for a year, but I wouldnít admit it was true. Later on when I realized I liked my best friend, I freaked and told myself no, over and over again I said no I wouldnít feel this way. I wouldnít like her, I wouldnít and didnít.
Oddly enough my high school boyfriend helped me get over my guilt and shame. He taught me in many ways that this was how I was, regardless of my guilt, it was natural, it was me. My sexuality, isnít just a game, like Iíve been told many times, Iím not just looking for attention or anything else, Iím being me. And thatís enough . Since then Iíve come to a new sense of openness with myself, and Iím working slowly on telling my parents, who donít believe homosexuality exists. Iím content., Iím bi-sexual and I believe it is a beautiful and pure thing.
Jane, I guess I wanted to say this to you, but more to myself, I guess I wanted to say it for both of us, for all of us. I guess I just wanted to tell you, it isnít wrong.