I started out as a young girl with no means, going to school in a regular place, meeting with friends to chat about nothing.
I found myself growing, showing signs of older years, embarrassed by myself and the clothes that I wore. "I'm not as good as the others..." I said to my mom, depressed but not knowing that that's what it was.
I took time to myself, to worry about looks. I couldn't wear shirts that didn't cover my butt, "I'm ugly..." I thought, and didn't think more.
I wanted to stand out, as I grew older, grew my hair long and wore too much makeup. "Impressive..." I repeated, to myself in the mirror. "Impressive, but ugly..." I kept thinking again.
I had ice colored lips, from the eyeshadow I bought, thought it would be cool to wear it to school. As I sat in the last seat on that great yellow car, "It's really daring, I think..." said a girl I knew not.
I wiped with my sleeve that horrible color, then sat in my silence, wondering what I was doing. I went to school that day with no makeup, "I'm ugly..." I thought, and just figured so.
I grew into awkwardness as I tried to persuade some, offering money in quarters to a boy that I liked. "Why do you do that?" Asked a friend I had made. "I'm not sure..." I replied, and regretted it then.
When no one was looking, that boy would just smile. I'd be again lost, in his transfixing gaze. "He uses you, you know that?" She said to me twice. "I know..." I replied, and downcast my eyes.
I then was in highschool, trading seats with older girls. "You can't sit there..." they'd chide, and I'd move out the way. I learned then that I was the girl with the glasses, only here when they said "You stupid girl."
I cried to my father, whom took pity on me, saying "I can't be seen with these glasses of mine!" He'd let me stay home, then leave off to work. I'd secretly cry, for I had esteem not.
I grew with the years, to find a friend dearly. Her name was Raven, and we bonded instant. "This side is much better..." she cooed me to listen, "gothic is good, you'll see in time."
I painted my hair, and wore black clothing. "I'm noticed." I said, with an air of respect. Instead of the guilt and regret I'd endured, it was lingering gazes and stares of my peers.
I walked with a confidence not seen before, and I loved it until I resided some more. "You're failing in school!" My parents would preach, and I'd simply fall flat and land at their feet.
"I'm sorry..." I'd lie, and slip off to Raven's. "Let's go somewhere" she'd muse once again. We'd find ourselves in a room with three men, and I found myself wanting my mom's warm approach.
"I don't know what's come over me these past months," I said in confidence to both of my parents. "I can't seem to find my self of sense." I cried to them then, genuine and fearful, alone in the world...yet again, yet again.
Two years ran by like deer in the headlights, I was graduating just in the middle of my class. Something coursed through me like a wave in the ocean, "I'm almost free of this solitary life."
18 years vanished as I strolled down the sidewalk, still unsure as to who I really was. Love came in doses, awkward and lonely, and those I regret the most of all.
I loved for the first time, in many years I'd lived. And I found myself pushing him away from me then. "I hate you!" I'd scream at his tear-jerked face, he then would plead for me to return.
Only then did I realize I was truly a monster, years of torment...of hatred burning me dark. I wanted to hide, just leave all this bullshit. "I never was pretty, and am not now."
Since then did I learn that I wish I had thought, thought things through to really know who I was. That man was my life, and someone who loved me, and I let him go...like the wind in the trees.
If ever a time I was remorseful and sorry...now would be it, for he made me...me.