May 15
Russ Morton's Anniversary.
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First crush
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Let me indulge in my own memory of the past. I know you do and no one else would bother to read this. It is a story that I have never disclosed completely to anyone before in my life.
Rustypipes9909@hotmail.com
- The email that I deleted on July.
If you ever, ever say that love needs you to always touch that person, be with that person. I'll say you're dead wrong. (But in real life, I can never seem to defend myself).
I never met him before in person. I've seen blurred photographs of him, but his name still makes my heart jump.
Back then when I was pretty young I was a computer nerd. Thus I met him on my own little guest book of my website, hidden there. He was writing his own little stories on each entry.
By the way, I would like to say that my website was pretty new and revolutionary back then. It was one of the best till he has passed away and I could not have the heart to look at it anymore.
The guest book at that time was in a disaster of too much arguments so I had to take it down. But I chatted up with this mysterious little writer to put his writings where it should be - the fan fiction section. He was happy, in fact overly so. His emails came more than once, and it was almost everyday.
He kept sending me stories and I just read it and gave comments. He was excited with each email he wrote to me. It was such an exciting feeling to be talking to a person... since at that time I don't really talk to many people at all...
And soon he began making friends with other people in my website affiliations. Ruby the Cat, Jade the Hedgehog. LOL. After a few weeks, he confessed his love for me.
It was surprising, because it was so fast. I was excited and didn't want to lose him. But at that point of time, I was skeptical about love. I didn't know if such a thing existed. But suddenly it was like a dream come true, and I decided to take a chance.
'Kimi ga suki da to sakebitai'.
I wish to shout out I love you.
My words to him. And we were happy just to share that feeling. Over emails, msn, everday. It was just such a rush. He was actually a loner guy but he began to open up to meet friends in his college.
He said I gave him the inspiration to change. I never even told him to do so. That was the best part of him.
But I knew we would never be together. He was from England, and I'm from a country he has never even heard of before. My parents would never approve, no one would. No one would approve of us. I never told anyone in fear of them finding out. I even blocked him so that he won't accidentally chat with my mom if my msn signs in.
He was the first one to be utterly upset when I told him I wasn't really pretty anyway. How funny. The first one I dedicated poems to.
I loved him so much, I wanted to protect him and to let him grow. I wanted to do so much for him.
But soon I wanted something for him: A girl that could stay by his side forever.
It seemed like a good plan. Since our love will never work out, I decided to withdraw from it. So that he would find someone else to love by his side.
So I left him for three months without a word.
It tore him apart, and I only came back after I heard he has a girlfriend.
It was Jade, and she was sweet and all. He was showing off her drawings to me, and suddenly I felt jealous. But I pushed that feeling aside. I knew that it was all part of the plan and things were working out well for him.
So I was happy for him. I really was. But soon he came to such a terrible conclusion that I cannot forget that email.
'You never loved me'.
I never denied, or defended myself. I just replied I don't believe in love. And I cried. It was the most painful lie to tell and he would never know the truth.
I thought we could still be friends, but soon chatting has become hard. Tears would fall after every chat session that I wish that I could just die. So chats became less and less frequent....
A few weeks he had another girlfriend, and this time it was a girl that was from his school. I was glad and pleased that it was finally like what I thought it would be - a girl that could be by his side forever.
But somehow, inside, I was hoping and waiting for him to ask me again. If only he would, I would have said yes.
But I did not want to destroy his perfect world at this point. He was starting to create a band and actually produced a song which he shared with me. It was an amazing contrast to his loner-self when I first met him.
I thought things were finally working out. Everything was great, perfect.
And chatting has become annoying because of his girlfriend that sometimes takes over the chat, and he was busy. But he wrote something that made me cry:
'I could never get over you'.
Neither could I. But of course I didn't reply to that and just cried my eyes out. But somehow things went horribly wrong and I wasn't there.
I have no idea what happened. Weeks passed without me online. I was looking through message board threads and found his mourning site. Apparently he had taken his own life. It was said it was because of an argument with some cheerleader.
It was shocking but I could not cry. How ironic, since I had cried so much when he was alive but not when I was facing this cold hard truth. I thought I wasn't affected, but soon I could feel the insides of me crying. It was as though my whole body in me was bleeding.
'When your loved one dies, a part of you dies as well.'
- my teacher
I could hardly feel alive since then.
I hardly dared to speak to Russ's best friend, Ruby during the first few months. I felt that the blame was on me - that it was because of me that he took his life.
If only I had hold on to our fragile love, a love spread across the oceans. It was my deepest regret that I ever had.
'Eyes that never met/Lips that never touched'
-Russ Morton
Kimi ga suki da to sakebitai.
But one of the most painful things that kept hurting me after he passed away was the memory of these haunting words:
'I'll always be there for you'.
Happy anniversary Blaze... this is our first and last celebration... for I no longer want to hold on to this anymore. |
Submission Name: Memory: First crush
