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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: .... to a better life?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    30, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.19 - 102/106/67
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 200
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1444



    Description:
       I'm running out of ideas.
    This is another request.
    Too repetitive and not serious enough you think?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots.... to a better life?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here I go again.
    Being pushed around
    forward to back
    Back to forward
    Kept in the dark but still
    Twisting and turning just to please

    It seems "they" never get enough
    Day in day out I suffer at their whim
    My spine is worn from scratches
    And I get so tired of hanging around
    Waiting to be wanted.
    To be needed.
    Then;
    When I get that glance,
    The look of want,
    A hand comes over to me, grips my shoulder
    And
    I get pushed around
    forward to back
    Back to forward
    Kept in the dark but I’m still
    Twisting and turning just to please

    It's no life, being kept in the dark
    Spending your whole life being jammed in a tight dark place
    I should rebel.
    I should hang up my chains and refuse
    To be
    pushed around
    forward to back
    Back to forward
    Kept in the dark and still
    Twisting and turning just to please

    Then again
    Do I have a choice?
    Am I to low on the keychain to even be noticed?
    The keyrings get flashed around and appreciated
    I guess it's just my life
    The lonely life of a door key,
    To be
    pushed around
    forward to back
    Back to forward
    Kept in the dark but still
    Twisting and turning just to please




    Submitted on 2008-04-15 20:14:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's been a while since I've done any feedback, so I thought I'd give it a shot....at first I thought you were talking about a human, and then I realized who wrote the poem and thought better of it (call it a lucky hunch). However, I never would have thought you were talking about a key..you got me there. I understand what the person before me was trying to say about the first stanza being 'angsty', but I think its serves it purpose to draw the reader in, (or the correct type of reader if that makes sense), the poem would appeal to those who are drawn to the angst feel, and who will think you are talking about yourself and thereby reflect on themselves and how they feel the same. You did all that and put all those feelings on an inanimate object. I was going to say that the dark place you speak of couldnt possibly be so small, if you have enough room to be pushed around (but I dont suppose that point is valid for a door key)...but from a human side unlike the door key, we have the choice (whether or not to act like inanimate objects? I kid, I think) I could go on and risk inferring more than you meant to say (too late?)...but I'll stop now.

    Overall: I liked it.

    Until we write again,

    ~ink~
    | Posted on 2008-07-29 00:00:00 | by inkonspikuous | [ Reply to This ]
      I read your description and was like "why would he ask that?" But now I see... It is good like it is, but if you could make the intro sound less like an angsty wannabe rock song it would be great. That might sound more harsh than I mean it to, but I mean no other way to say it. I do love poems that seem one way, but then end in another. Good job.
    | Posted on 2008-04-15 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    12. Does it feel original?



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