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    dots Submission Name: Silhouettes of a Serenadedots

    Author: Ali Marie
    Elite Ratio:    2.84 - 105/106/76
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 649
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSilhouettes of a Serenadedots

    The colors float and silently surround
    I fall asleep to the lullaby of your guitar.
    The world drowns into every rhythm, every sound.

    Your eyes joined specks of light in dance
    Your hands write such sweet romance

    you bite your lips as you seek the words to say
    breathing comes slow with each note you play

    Serenade me, vulnerable and sweet
    leave me struggling to find my speech

    tonight, it's all we have, precious memories, flying time
    Melodies melt into one last resonating line.

    Submitted on 2008-04-15 20:59:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My suggestion would be to eliminate the spaces between the lines. Leave it all as one big piece. Along with the suggestions by orange, it should help the reader to feel the piece.

    But, on the actual feeling, the actual wording, I do feel you did a good job.
    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by darkened_soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is ok. But i have a few suggestions to make it better:

    1. proofread. when you do this you catch spelling errors that are a distraction to your reader
    2. add punctuation. Punctuation helps the reader to see how you meant it to be read, when to pause and reflect and when to skim and read quickly.

    By doing these two simple things, your poem could be greatly enhanced. If you do these, drop me a note on my page and I'll comment further.

    | Posted on 2008-04-16 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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