Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Silhouettes of a Serenadedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ali Marie
    Elite Ratio:    2.84 - 105/106/76
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 649
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSilhouettes of a Serenadedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The colors float and silently surround
    I fall asleep to the lullaby of your guitar.
    The world drowns into every rhythm, every sound.

    Your eyes joined specks of light in dance
    Your hands write such sweet romance

    you bite your lips as you seek the words to say
    breathing comes slow with each note you play

    Serenade me, vulnerable and sweet
    leave me struggling to find my speech

    tonight, it's all we have, precious memories, flying time
    Melodies melt into one last resonating line.






    Submitted on 2008-04-15 20:59:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      My suggestion would be to eliminate the spaces between the lines. Leave it all as one big piece. Along with the suggestions by orange, it should help the reader to feel the piece.

    But, on the actual feeling, the actual wording, I do feel you did a good job.
    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by darkened_soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is ok. But i have a few suggestions to make it better:

    1. proofread. when you do this you catch spelling errors that are a distraction to your reader
    2. add punctuation. Punctuation helps the reader to see how you meant it to be read, when to pause and reflect and when to skim and read quickly.

    By doing these two simple things, your poem could be greatly enhanced. If you do these, drop me a note on my page and I'll comment further.

    ~orange
    | Posted on 2008-04-16 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160262

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry