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    dots Submission Name: True Storydots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 552
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1102


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrue Storydots

    I have a novel
    It's pages are tender
    It's story is sweet
    It's about you

    It picks up
    It seems predictable
    It's an honest treat
    I think it's about you

    I foresee a good ending
    It falls into place
    It cries to go on
    I follow the chase

    Some things go wrong
    But they end up okay
    It's a colorful story
    But things soon turn grey

    The main character is suffering
    It doesn't seem fair
    His luck has run dry
    Death begins to stare

    And then I realize
    This story is about me
    You played your role
    And I'm on my knees

    I don't like the direction
    The hourglass has settled
    Our time spent together
    Has all become a dream

    Not that you had much affection
    But thanks for the trouble
    It never was about you
    I've ripped it at the seam

    That book is closed now
    I've started another

    Submitted on 2008-04-17 02:19:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I really really like this one.
    This is a real poem, congrats.
    And life always goes on, huh?
    | Posted on 2015-07-28 00:00:00 | by happymoon | [ Reply to This ]
      haha i love it...the guy below you doesn't know jack...first off not all poems have to rhyme second the whole poem was though up for the last lines...i love this poem...it must be because i know exactly why you wrote them...anyways i love to see you writing and i wish you all the luck
    | Posted on 2008-04-20 00:00:00 | by InYuco Katan | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the best part about this poem is how it builds up and suddenly drops off with the feelings of the narrator. I like that it starts off kind of awkward and no rhyme scheme, but as the story picks up it's pace, the rhyme comes and it all flows together until the drop off back into reality.

    The one thing i'd suggest is the last four lines. While they are essential they just seem like "I ran out of ideas on how to end this.... this sounds good...."

    I do like it though. It's very cute in the beginning, I don't think it'd ever think to start it off like that.
    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by Maki | [ Reply to This ]

    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]

    This is soooooo close to amazing!

    i LOVE the idea that you have going, the main point-about the stories anding and beginning and all...

    but i was a bit thrown off by your uneven rhyme...

    there was a good chunck of stanzas in the middle there that just ROLLED off the tongue VERY well, but the beginning and ending really lacks a rhyme scheme... ><

    I love rhyme, just fyi, but i can handle if a whole piece is written rhymeless, but ya can't just jerk me around like that!

    "no rhyme, RHYME, no rhyme!"


    what a tease ><

    I also felt the last line of the first stanza was a bit awkward...

    And it's not even bc i was expecting it to rhyme with the first line (although i was)

    it just..doesn't..."flow"...try reading it aloud and it may sound different than it does in your head..

    "I have a novel
    It's pages are tender
    It's story is sweet
    I like that it's about you"

    the fourth line would be better as something like

    "And it's about you."

    The rest of the stanza is short and sweet and poetic, but the fourth just kinda sounds like you're a nervous flirt :/
    Y'know what i mean?
    "And it's about you" sounds more confident.
    More like you're telling a story as opposed to seeking approval of someone like you feel somewhat inferior to them :/

    :) Just a suggestion!


    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      So is it in life one book after another an endless chase as you say. I like this and it rhymes very well. It is said that the end of book making is never insight. Well, we write our own books of life. Fortunately we have an eraser to ease the burden with. Conscious works very well I am told. Keep writing keep reading keep going. Keep well. Joachim.
    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]

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