haha i love it...the guy below you doesn't know jack...first off not all poems have to rhyme second the whole poem was though up for the last lines...i love this poem...it must be because i know exactly why you wrote them...anyways i love to see you writing and i wish you all the luck
I think the best part about this poem is how it builds up and suddenly drops off with the feelings of the narrator. I like that it starts off kind of awkward and no rhyme scheme, but as the story picks up it's pace, the rhyme comes and it all flows together until the drop off back into reality.
The one thing i'd suggest is the last four lines. While they are essential they just seem like "I ran out of ideas on how to end this.... this sounds good...."
I do like it though. It's very cute in the beginning, I don't think it'd ever think to start it off like that.
i LOVE the idea that you have going, the main point-about the stories anding and beginning and all...
but i was a bit thrown off by your uneven rhyme...
there was a good chunck of stanzas in the middle there that just ROLLED off the tongue VERY well, but the beginning and ending really lacks a rhyme scheme... ><
I love rhyme, just fyi, but i can handle if a whole piece is written rhymeless, but ya can't just jerk me around like that!
"no rhyme, RHYME, no rhyme!"
ahhh!
what a tease ><
I also felt the last line of the first stanza was a bit awkward...
And it's not even bc i was expecting it to rhyme with the first line (although i was)
it just..doesn't..."flow"...try reading it aloud and it may sound different than it does in your head..
"I have a novel
It's pages are tender
It's story is sweet
I like that it's about you"
the fourth line would be better as something like
"And it's about you."
The rest of the stanza is short and sweet and poetic, but the fourth just kinda sounds like you're a nervous flirt :/
Y'know what i mean?
"And it's about you" sounds more confident.
More like you're telling a story as opposed to seeking approval of someone like you feel somewhat inferior to them :/
So is it in life – one book after another an endless chase as you say. I like this and it rhymes very well. It is said that the end of book making is never insight. Well, we write our own books of life. Fortunately we have an eraser to ease the burden with. Conscious works very well I am told. Keep writing keep reading keep going. Keep well. Joachim.
Submission Name: True Story
