Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Stained Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 667



    Description:
       This one is slightly out of order, shift it back one--I forgot to post it wrote it a couple of weeks ago, right after Never.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStained Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I know I forgave you before
    The last time
    Many times
    But this is unforgivable

    You tried to save me the gore
    This past time
    This is the last time
    And this is unforgettable

    You have pushed me away
    I hope this is what you wanted
    Because this is what you get
    I知 leaving you today

    I値l forgive you in time
    But I値l never forget
    My heart will remind
    It swells as it cries

    You played me a fool
    In the end we値l see if it was worth it to you
    I値l never forget the torment you put me through
    It痴 unforgettable




    Submitted on 2008-04-17 02:27:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      forgiveable, forgettable, ah,please un-dress those words to naked assumptions that fools must have their melee in mirth regrettable.
    That's my read.
    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello!

    This was a nice poem, albeit pretty clich..

    Overall, i felt that the rhyme scheme is good, although it seems kind of off in the 4th stanza :/

    It actually seems more like a song to me, and it thought that even before i read the line that is the same as one in a song i wrote a couple years ago ("I知 leaving you today").

    Like i said, not bad, but maybe you could try digging a little deeper.

    The only feeling i got out of this was surface anger, and i can tell by the word choice that there's a little more there. this has a lot of potential, all it needs is depth.

    I havent read any of your other pieces so idk if this is habitual, but good poets hold nothing back in their poems :)

    You gotta put everything out there!


    Keep working!


    -Moz-
    | Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160314

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Wavelength written by saartha
    To written by SavedDragon
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Push written by JanePlane
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Linger written by saartha
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Bond written by saartha
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Song written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry