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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Callsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Squall Leon Hea
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 104/79/29
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Childrens
    Total Views: 1018
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 629



    Description:
       an old poem of mine , that I found and now posted


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCallsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Curse the war
    And death of all

    Curse the hate
    The cause of our fall

    Bless the love
    And Children's calls

    Hear what they
    Say , to you

    Listen to their
    Calls and what to do

    They call upon
    The souls they lost

    Searching around
    For their childhood ghost

    Poor children
    Of the war

    And death
    Is knocking on the door

    The call of the innocent
    Child echoed in the hearts

    Calling out load
    For the beautiful arts




    Submitted on 2008-04-20 15:12:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      (Awesome write there! :) I would suggest putting this whole poem in 4 lined stanzas, since thats how the rhyme scheme is most of the time anyways. Plus itll flow better.
    Ex:
    Curse the war
    And death of all
    Curse the hate
    The cause of our fall)


    Bless the love
    And Children's calls

    Hear what they
    Say , to you
    (Hmm. Rhyme isnt the sole thing you need to think of when you right. Try to keep it more flowing and easy to read. Here I would take out the comma after "say". I realize "they" and "say" rhyme, but the comma makes it kinda choppy :) )
    Listen to their
    Calls and what to do

    They call upon
    The souls they lost
    Good. Okies so what to keep in mind here is not every new line needs a capital- like
    They call upon
    The souls they lost
    Since its the same sentence how about-
    They call upon
    the souls they lost

    Like it? :) )



    Searching around
    For their childhood ghost

    Poor children
    Of the war
    (Okay, so here your first stanza and second dont rhyme, but the next on down does. So how about

    Searching around,
    for their childhood ghost
    The one who always was there,
    the one they miss the most.

    Poor children
    Of the war
    And death
    Is knocking on the door

    Like it?


    And death
    Is knocking on the door

    The call of the innocent
    Child echoed in the hearts

    Calling out load
    For the beautiful arts

    (Good job!! I know I commented this before but thought it give you more than just a line :) Oh and im sure you noticed your spelling errors *I see theyre already pointed out* like load in the last stanza*)
    | Posted on 2009-09-21 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Leonard,

    Alrighty, where to start? Oh hear will do it! *points at poem on screen, then screams after a large purple globster, lobster lookin' monster emerges from between the stanzas* What in darnation have you created?!

    *frantically bangs the tip of her ring finger on the escape key until the purple globster creeps sulkingly behind the "Rate Subimission" section of the page* Woo, that was a close call.

    Poem? or Porn? right, im here for the poem.

    The cantic rhythm of the poem reminds me of the three witches from Macbeth. The piece is worded beautifully and when read aloud, sounce trance like. Though there are some punctuation errors and mispellings they do not jump out too bad. But still, I mean really, attempt to fix it before posting.Such as the line...

    "Calling out load
    For the beautiful arts"

    I'm def sure you meant to use the word loud?

    Oh and I think your piece could gain a bit from strategic capitalization. Example:

    "Calling aloud
    for the Beautiful Arts."

    Just looks moe polished.

    Take care,

    Ash.



    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      Really wonderful hun! One of my favs by you for sure ^_^
    | Posted on 2008-04-21 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]


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