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    dots Submission Name: Presence Destroyeddots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 918
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 649


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPresence Destroyeddots

    Walking, I hear the soft rustle of leaves beneath my feet
    feel my feet sink slightly into the moist earth,
    feel the tickle of wind against my cheek,
    feel my hair rearranging itself to the breeze
    see the blazing color of autumn's peak,
    hear the sounds of animals readying themselves
    for winter which is tuning its strings.
    I think of nature's permanence:
    we make a mark on this earth but for a moment.
    Our tracks cover themselves as soon as they are made.
    The leaves recover quickly from our trampling.
    Our presence destroyed, we walk away

    Submitted on 2004-02-07 00:18:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      oh, sweetie, that's wonderful. A whole world sprang up around me, complete and full of life. Nature is such an amazing thing. Only one little thing... line 10... grammatically speaking, ourselves should be themselves. It's such a beautiful write...<><
    | Posted on 2004-03-21 00:00:00 | by WorththeWait | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmmmmmm, im just not sure; not sure what i think or how i feel...
    i think the second half rescues this piece. i see what you are trying to do, to build up a picture, its like a commentary; you re walking along and suddenly you stopped and thought,,,,then you walked on again. thats the picture you have built with this and i just feel unfulfilled, totally like, and.....
    the analogies and commentary in lines 1-7 are very typical of your style but for me not as good as past works. the comparisoms just dont bite....and you use windandhairandcheek maybe a little too much....
    ok i can feel you re blood boiling and a sharp attack even before you read this but i ll carry on.....
    lines 8-end, for me, are much more impressive and this analogy really works for what you are saying about our lives and our existence. it means [censored] all; thats what i take from it but you say it in a very softlyspokendontwanttomaketoomuchfussorsoundnegative kind of way, and thats touching.
    would love to see the first lines be a little more creative, create a contrast or introduction depending on what you want to achieve......
    and one last thing before yourbrainfluidsquirtsoutofyourears...
    i think if the last two lines were as follows;
    Our Presence Destroyed.
    we walk away.
    it would say more for the piece....
    im gonna run....
    think you need to be careful about the style you are creating you produce a lot of work and you want/need[we] to keep it fresh....
    im sprinting....
    this is a very thought provoking piece and i got a lot from it. i like the way you compare nature with our existence, making us seem even more pathetic and meaningless and giving nature a power of longevity.....
    thanks for playdoh-ingmybrain....
    | Posted on 2004-02-07 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      really like this, shows good detail to your surroundings and opened the minds eye to season changes
    | Posted on 2004-02-07 00:00:00 | by brokenbatman | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! This is powerful! You give great images and tangible pictures that drew me in. And what a great thought. You truly have a gift.
    | Posted on 2004-02-07 00:00:00 | by kblyric | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful,..the perpective, the feeling very intense.I can feel your connection through your words, and I loved the last two lines,..we are indeed just tiny sparks in the larger scheme of things. Very, very good . Thanks, Silver
    | Posted on 2004-02-07 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]

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