Jasmine Steam by AlmostEloquent

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Submission Name: Jasmine Steam dots

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Author:	AlmostEloquent
ASL Info:	20/female/USA
Elite Ratio:	3.86 - 46/70/37
Words:	111

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	115
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	672

Description:

Jasmine Steam dots

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I sipped jasmine tea, steaming my face,
just as I imagined I’d sip you,
tasting the sweet honey coating your lips.
A swirl of sweet heat running between
our mouths, a tangy warmth found only
here.

Your laughter filled me with
a surprising need to reach over and
pull you to me so I could feel it
against my skin.

I’m not sure what this is,
I haven’t felt a need like this before,
(The yearning for fervor more than a priest in prayer,
to feel your limbs entangled in with mine)
And all I know is that I want to
be your ultimate distraction.

Submitted on 2008-04-21 23:31:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  S1
l1: jasmine is a pleasant smell, though I've never had the tea. I get the feeling of sensuality from the thought of it though.

l2: this reinforces my previous thought. The line hooked me, in a way. I suppose it speaks a raw sexuality without being obvious that I find appealing.

l3: further with the sexuality, though this line (I think) borders on cliché.

l4: I question whether or not you should have "sweet" in this line as well. I don't see a general structure that supports it and it kind of jars me when I read it right after the line before it. I always feel it's best for the writer to revise as they see fit, but perhaps rewrite the line to see if you can create the same meaning with different words. "Sugared", "Saccharine", "pleasant", "candied"... or just remove the second sweet altogether.

l4-6: I appreciate these lines as well for their passionate sensuality.

S2
This stanza made me smile. It expresses a longing/desire for the individual the speaker is talking to/writing about. Yet, the way it is written, I feel the speaker is not at liberty to act this way with the target of the poem. Which makes the desire all the more powerful and is something I can relate to, all the more so if the speaker and the target were formerly lovers or just acknowledge their feelings. This though could be a poor interpretation due to reading a personal situation into it.

S3
l1: I understand the intent of this line, but I think it is unnecessary as the line after it would already imply that the person isn't sure what it is (how can one be sure of something they haven't felt before?)

l2: This makes me think I'm sort of correct about the second stanza, but that the target and speaker are not past lovers and the target at least is unaware of the speaker's feelings.

l3-4: These two lines are my favorite. They are an excellent way to speak of the great desire and "fervor" the speaker feels for the target. It's raw and sexual and just powerful. When I read those lines I read them fast and hard unlike all the other lines. I don't know if that's how they're to be read, but they're just so powerful I feel they have to be read that way.

l5-6: Here this steps a bit away from the sensuality of the piece and shows it to be more a longing/desire for something that the speaker can not obtain no matter how much the speaker may want it.

The way it is written, and if I'm correct, I can only wonder why the target of the poem would not want the speaker. It may just be me and what appeals to me though.
| Posted on 2008-08-14 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
  This was beautiful and erotic. It started out fairly mellow sexually, but then the desire just compounded and seemed to pulse through the end of the piece. I admire your talent. Lovely piece you have here.
i know its not a full line, but its my favorite phrase anyway, "A swirl of sweet heat"
both sensual and loverly, without being overbearngly sexual. a delightful balance here.

xoxo
| Posted on 2008-04-24 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
  What an excellent write and the ending was such a good line ta boot.

Nice job. This write has a lot of soul behind it.

Thanks for sharing.

| Posted on 2008-04-22 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]

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