Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flying Highdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SnakeBite7
    ASL Info:    19/M/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    4.64 - 108/143/66
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 639
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1546



    Description:
       My first piece in a long time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlying Highdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Thereís an angel crying on the crescent moon
    The tears turn to rain water, bouncing off balloons
    That we let fly into the sky, and we hope they rise higher than we ever could.

    I saw some friends just the other day; they were pissing and shitting their lives away
    And I couldnít take it, they wouldnít make it
    And I had to ask how it went this way.

    Will I take a similar road, one thatís paved in blood and gold?
    Or will I rise on up, up towards the top
    Leaving all I loved behind? I donít think I could even if I tried.

    I see my brother and his friends doing that weed
    And people ask if this is the life I lead.
    Well if you werenít dealing shit where kids go to play
    I might just feel a different way.

    And maybe if you didnít take my brothers down
    Maybe if they turn their life around
    I wonít sit here cursing your name
    But is it really you to blame?

    Maybe Iím just jealous, itís like thereís something I canít see
    Mary Jane is nice to you, but man, sheís a bitch to me
    And I know she makes you feel good, and damn it I know I canít take it, though I should.

    And if I really try, even if you die
    Iíll look up towards the sky and see you flying high.

    Oh, wonít you please fly back to me
    Youíre floating farther on, you float ever on
    Oh, wonít you come back down to me
    Youíre crashing down, youíre going down.




    Submitted on 2008-04-27 21:45:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Pretty good after such a long time. At least something inspired you to write and you sat and did it. So that's great. A few things i would suggest. Regard it or disregard it however you want:

    Thereís an angel crying on the (crescent moon)"It's been overused and just doesn't give a very good beginning"
    The tears turn to rain water, bouncing off balloons
    (The ones we let fly into the sky in hopes of rising higher than we could)

    (I saw some friends the other day pissing and [censored]ting their lives away)
    (And)
    "Don't bother much with extra unecessay words. Its good the way it is"
    I couldnít take it, they wouldnít make it;
    (And) I had to ask how it went this way.

    (Is this the road to take paved in blood and gold?)
    Or will I rise on up, up towards the top
    Leaving all I loved behind? I (couldn't) even if I tried.

    I see my brother and his friends doing weed
    And people (asked) if this is the life I (led).
    Well if you werenít dealing [censored] where kids go to play,
    I might just feel a different way.

    Maybe if you didnít take my brothers down
    Maybe if they turn their life around,
    I wonít sit here cursing your name
    But is it really you to blame?

    Maybe jealousy struck me, itís like thereís something I canít see
    Mary Jane is nice to you, but man, sheís a [censored] to me "I like this sentence. Really good one"
    And I know she makes you feel good, damn it I know I canít take it, though I should.

    (Even if I dare to try even if you die)
    Iíll look up towards the sky and see you flying high.

    Oh, wonít you please fly back to me
    Youíre floating farther you float ever on
    Oh, wonít you come back down to me
    Youíre crashing down, youíre going down.


    Loved your ending though. It's like a person crashing himself on the concrete floor after he's fallen off the building. It just like wakes you up. So amazing ending.

    Keep writing. It's going good so far...

    Take care....
    Have a great day....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2008-04-29 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160782

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry