A Soluble Solution by realpoet

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Submission Name: A Soluble Solution dots

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Author:	realpoet
Elite Ratio:	6.55 - 800/426/258
Words:	200

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	79
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1063

Description:
Does anyone know how I can put "the hours gone by" line onto the fourth line?

A Soluble Solution dots

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I enter my life from day to day
Not knowing what will come my way,
I trip on rocks that give me pain
Then crying out as if insane
Like blinded by the thoughts I've had
Discerning not the good from bad.

I'm only travelling with me
And site is not for me to see
Beyond the moments ticking out , The hours gone by yet, still I shout,
"When will light light up my night
And give me cause beyond my sight?"

Some say I should have friend to guide,
Yet friendship from me seems to hide;
I'm not out poured as opened jar
And with myself I often spar:
Oh, how can friends not gossip much
If one has not the common touch.

Perhaps, I should read, read and read,
Even count my prayers on bead;
Even then, life could not foretell
Whether soul and body did well,
So, best thing I could ever do:
Love myself so I could love you.

Submitted on 2008-04-27 22:20:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Such true speaking words through the end of this poem, this poems definatly going to my favorites. I really understood the last two lines, I recently ended a relationship, because I wasn't happy with myself, you need to love yourself first before you can proclaim to love others, I didn't know that saying was true for three years, finally stuck to me now. I also relate to the night part of the poem. Great write, keep in touch.
| Posted on 2008-07-01 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
For your question about fitting that line in, maybe:

I'm only travelling with me
And site (sight?) is not for me to see
Beyond the moments ticking out ,
The hours gone by, yet still I shout,
"When will light, light up my night
And give me cause beyond my sight?"

Okay, the main pointer I'll give you is to not worry so much about rhythm, rhyme and meter that you change words around in a line. Instead of making it easier to read it makes the reader (well, me at least) stop and wonder why you've done it and everything makes less sense because of it.

I'll show you what I mean.
"Yet friendship from me seems to hide"
I know you've done it to get the rhyme with guide, therefore continuing the scheme you've established but people don't speak like that and it detracts from the message of your poem. If it's a style you really like then obviously you are free to stick with it but it is something that distracts me when I read a poem and I focus on it instead of the meaning of the poem.

From this it seems like you have a really good ear for the sounds of words, you just have to worry less about forcing things into too much of a structure. Experiment a little. Try out some different styles, give yourself more freedom with your rhymes and allow it to sounds more like realistic speech. I think you could potentially have some very good poetry. Ultimately, reading poetry is the best advice. Learn to spot good and bad techniques and learn how to integrate (or remove) them in your own writing.

Thanks for the read.
| Posted on 2008-04-28 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

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