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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Guitars and Starbucksdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Heidiluv
    ASL Info:    17/F/behind you
    Elite Ratio:    3.31 - 12/22/18
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 63
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1453



    Description:
       Me in a tragic situation.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGuitars and Starbucksdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sat down on my bed with my guitar today
    And thought of what a mess I've made.
    I felt like writing a meaningful song,
    But every word just came out wrong.

    Hello coffee, it's been too long...

    What words could sing a melody
    That tells the story hurting me
    What chords could strum a lullaby
    To help my heart to say goodbye.

    Here's a toast to a beautiful lie...

    He loved me, then he loved me not
    He didn't care as I had thought
    He led me down a road for miles
    Just to sit back and laugh a while.

    I take a sip and smile...

    I want to tell the world I don't care
    Even though this isn't fair.
    I thought I did everything right
    But somehow I sit alone tonight

    Caffine makes the mind take flight...

    This frappuccino's almost gone.
    I haven't even begun my song
    But suddenly I laugh outloud
    And all my walls come crashing down.

    I dread setting this bottle down...

    Shouldn't I be crying now?
    Draining my every tear out?
    Instead I fall into a peaceful slumber
    With starbucks in one hand, and my guitar in the other.

    Maybe I can love another...














    Submitted on 2008-04-28 16:33:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I find it interesting how you use coffee in the same way many poems/songs along similar lines would have a beer. I liked that.

    In the second stanza is it meant to be lolliby or do you mean lullaby? Ignore if it's the former.

    Overall it's not bad, but nothing original either. You're rhyme scheme is rather odd, it's like you want it to follow more of a pattern but sometimes just decide not to use it because it would be easier not to. I'd say you might be better off going one way or the other - it's a good idea to either stick to the scheme and only break it when it adds to the potency of what you're saying (as that's the point, really) or don't have a rigid kind of rhyme, be more fluid, use internal rhymes/half rhymes etc.

    Obviously the subject is something you have genuine feelings about and therefore you have the most important component of writing a very good poem.

    So yeah, it was a nice, light read
    (like a conversation over a coffee...)
    | Posted on 2008-04-28 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]



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