You'll Miss Me -------------------------------------------
Would you miss me if I said goodbye to the world
If I said see-you later to everyone with no sound or word
Would you miss me if I was taken in the night
Like a soft wind that comes by light
Would you miss me if I kissed the ground
To say forever no more a utter of a word or sound goodnight
I think you would, then again not
The reason it shows to far in your cot
You love me you say but do you really
I have to live with 3 conditions
Everyday I fight everyday I hurt
But if I left this world would you care alot
I think not
Your tears would be for joy upon me gone to see me no more
Your face would light up because I would no longer be at your door
Your heart will shout with awe because I'm not here
But all I have to say is I knew you wouldn't miss me but at least someone will my dear.
Don't know who but I know at least one person will.
I think you have an interesting subject going on here but the way it was portrayed was a bit weak. "The would you miss me" doesnt work here too well. I love the way you started off with different ways of saying goodbye. And also when you stated the three conditions, maybe i didn't see it but still i was hoping that those three conditions should come in front of me and i would be like "how did you think of that".
I think the probably is mostly on the rhyming. I think you focused on that way more than on anything else. Every line is thought twice as to how it's gonna sound alike.
Apart from that, i absolutely loved your concept. I think it's amazing. Sometimes the person you spend most of your time with would not care for you if you dropped dead but there would be a person somewhere out there care about you. You might not know who but you know someone.
It's a great piece overall, still. Just needs a little bit of changes to be perfect.
Submission Name: You'll Miss Me
