Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: smokestacks and mishaps (finished)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silentpoison
    ASL Info:    22/F/Teh Shire
    Elite Ratio:    2.67 - 204/259/118
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Passion
    Total Views: 542
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1474



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssmokestacks and mishaps (finished)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    VI
    Look to the city the smoke stacks grow higher
    They steam and the scream
    Like a woman's desire
    Boys watch your backs when she's out on the prowl
    She a devil on her back
    in the midnight hour

    Chorus
    She's a gypsy
    in the alley
    She's a thief
    of the heart
    She'll steal you away boy
    And You'll never come back

    VII
    Look to the hills
    Or wherever she roams
    She's got mischief in her eyes
    and a heart made of stone
    She'll snare you with her stare
    And never let go
    She's a lady in red
    sitting high on her throne

    Chorus
    She's a gypsy
    in the alley
    She's a thief
    of the heart
    She'll steal you away boy
    And You'll never come back

    down, down, down they go
    round, round, and far from home
    gone with the wind till she grabs you back again

    VIII
    A witch! they screamed
    As they lit her on fire
    she came to an untimely death
    on a funeral pyre
    they set her out to the sea
    with the lovers she took
    though good men they be
    fell into the trap
    of a woman's desire
    and you'll never come back
    no you'll never come back





    Submitted on 2008-04-29 14:20:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I absolutely love the first two verses, and think the chorus is good, but the third verse just seems like you're trying to hard to come across as poetic, instead of letting it come as naturally as you let it for the first 2 verses. Definitely getting there to being a great lyric, but just needs a little work. Very good though.
    | Posted on 2008-05-01 00:00:00 | by hybridsongwrite | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it sounds like a mix of Cher, The Doors and Heart...a Chedoorart! Nice!!
    | Posted on 2008-04-29 00:00:00 | by Nicholas Lala | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160863

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    The World written by jjd
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry