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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When on the Downsidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Heidiluv
    ASL Info:    17/F/behind you
    Elite Ratio:    3.31 - 12/22/18
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 85
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 521



    Description:
       Just a truth about the downside of life.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen on the Downsidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hearts can hurt like heavy faith,
    With tiding such as these,
    When no one sees behind the curtain,
    Though there's a crowd to please.


    Lungs can breathe in smothered breaths,
    Along side a tired sigh,
    And sometimes the sweetest thought,
    Is that of laying down to die.


    But then there is that moment,
    When no one has the strength to speak,
    And for a moment there's a way,
    To break down and be weak.




    Submitted on 2008-04-29 17:45:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Have you read much Blake before? The way you write is a lot like Blake - poetry with a rhyme and rhythm that gives a very 'childlike' nursery rhyme feel but then has content that doesn't match, maybe because it's darker or more serious etc. (if you haven't read much Blake, maybe read A Poison Tree or The Sick Rose and I think you'll see what I mean)

    Second stanza I think you need an -e on the first breath:-
    Lungs can breathe in smothered breaths

    The meter isn't quite right in a few places but that will come with the more you post and the more feedback you get.
    Like in the first stanza I think the 'yet' makes that line just a beat too long. Of course it's all down to personal preference and how you'd read it aloud.

    The thing I like about this poem is how there isn't really a sense of resolution. There isn't a but to change things at the end but neither is it completely downbeat. It's caught between the two, like there's still more story to tell (Hemingway said that all stories end in death, so really to make the reader believe that things have ended before that is just blatantly lying :p)
    | Posted on 2008-04-30 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this poem really spoke to me. That sounds corny and cheesy, i know. But it's true. You pointed out some things that i quite agree with. Like the last stanza we all have the right to have our brake down moments. I really liked it ^_^

    Cry
    | Posted on 2008-04-29 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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