Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lay Downdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    37, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 131/123/76
    Words: 36
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 909
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 221



    Description:
       Nothing to really say.
    I just liked this


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLay Downdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lay the flowers down.

    Though orthodox it seems so feeble
    That who you are, to me, consists of such small token.

    Each every year, I come to talk
    And lay the flowers down.




    Submitted on 2008-04-30 01:46:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      orthodox flow would have been feeble :) The token really is 'each every year'. Your words left a weight in my chest. Powerful. thnks
    | Posted on 2013-04-01 00:00:00 | by strike three | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea of the poem, but their really isn't a constent flow. I'd like to suggest breaking up some of the lines of the poem a little and see what you come up with.

    It helps to read your poems a few times, sometimes wait a day or two to see what you come up with that needs fixing. The longest line, though, line number 3 is the one that really needs to be looked at. It's far longer than the others and is right in the middle of the poem. If you have any flow at the beginning, this line throws it off some.

    Also, you may wish to fix "Each every day" as I believe you may have left out a word, which can make it confusing if one doesn't know what you mean...

    I don't mean to be harsh, but I just want to be honest and let you know what I think.

    This poem is simple in nature, but it also leaves a question. What is going on here? It gives the impression of, perhaps, a funeral or visiting a grave, to me at least. It takes a read or two, but that is possibly just me since I was looking for conventions and the like.... Sorry... I don't mean to be harsh or anything...

    But if you can fix the flow issue, this poem could be quite gorgeous.

    Keep writing.
    ~Zara (aka, Eva)
    | Posted on 2008-05-02 00:00:00 | by Zara | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160882

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry