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    dots Submission Name: Lay Downdots

    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    37, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 131/123/76
    Words: 36
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 971
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 221

       Nothing to really say.
    I just liked this

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLay Downdots

    Lay the flowers down.

    Though orthodox it seems so feeble
    That who you are, to me, consists of such small token.

    Each every year, I come to talk
    And lay the flowers down.

    Submitted on 2008-04-30 01:46:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      orthodox flow would have been feeble :) The token really is 'each every year'. Your words left a weight in my chest. Powerful. thnks
    | Posted on 2013-04-01 00:00:00 | by strike three | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea of the poem, but their really isn't a constent flow. I'd like to suggest breaking up some of the lines of the poem a little and see what you come up with.

    It helps to read your poems a few times, sometimes wait a day or two to see what you come up with that needs fixing. The longest line, though, line number 3 is the one that really needs to be looked at. It's far longer than the others and is right in the middle of the poem. If you have any flow at the beginning, this line throws it off some.

    Also, you may wish to fix "Each every day" as I believe you may have left out a word, which can make it confusing if one doesn't know what you mean...

    I don't mean to be harsh, but I just want to be honest and let you know what I think.

    This poem is simple in nature, but it also leaves a question. What is going on here? It gives the impression of, perhaps, a funeral or visiting a grave, to me at least. It takes a read or two, but that is possibly just me since I was looking for conventions and the like.... Sorry... I don't mean to be harsh or anything...

    But if you can fix the flow issue, this poem could be quite gorgeous.

    Keep writing.
    ~Zara (aka, Eva)
    | Posted on 2008-05-02 00:00:00 | by Zara | [ Reply to This ]

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