This might be touchy to some people. In fact I know it will be but what do I know I’m just a waist of life using up every one else air. Struggling to get by. I’m not a high school drop out, in fact I was a good student in high school. I’ve never spent much time with drugs, tried them like most but realized that they would not help me along. I do not have the privilege of blaming my parent for why I cant get my head out of my ass and save money, or attend college and stick with it. My parents were always there for me when I got home from school made sure I did my home work, but also gave me my space not giving me a curfew like my other friends as long as I showed up for school the next day I was in there good graces. I was once ambitious, thought id go out of state for college, lose a lot of weight, become something, help others, feel good about myself. But since my junior year its been one mistake after another. One I never took the better classes, only toughs I new I could pass easily, two I got high and flipped my truck hence why I quite drugs so fast, tree I made the mistake of telling my parents I wanted to move, four I fell in love with some one 1000 miles away, five I stopped caring, six I lied to a lot of people I new or had some feelings for even to the point where they tried to kill themselves, seven I gave up on education, eight I turned my back on my father who needed all my love in his last year but I let some one else’s words influence me when I had no reason to reject him, nine I started to bum money instead of doing with out, ten I lost control of my emotions, eleven I didn’t even have the strength to fallow threw with killing myself and saving every one from this horrible blog, twelve I graduated high school early instead of actually trying to succeed, thirteen I tried to run away from my problems, fourteen I wasn’t there for my mother when she needed me wasn’t there when my father past like I should have been like the child I was raised up to be keeping my family close and not letting any thing come between us, fifteen wasn’t smart enough to pull my head out of my ass and drop the child I was in love with even after he showed me that he only cared about himself, sixteen went against my mothers wishes and moved that dump ass up here to live with me and my mom putting her threw hell, seventeen could not control my money and how I spent it was always convince that I would just earn it back, eighteen is when I dropped out of college convincing myself I couldn’t do it cause I had to much on my plat with my father passing and the hell my home life was which only made my family thing even less of me and made me out to me more of a failure, nigh teen mooched off of my family quieting my job and becoming a bum, twenty became a air head by knowing what I’ve been doing wrong but some how keep fucking up ever time I finally do something good by just masking it my two wrongs. Now that I am trying, I really really am trying to get myself straight no one will let me cross the bridge, one moment I have a great job next I don’t have any hours there, one minute I can do anything go anywhere next I’m lost and alone. I have a great guy now but I’m to scared to really give in and let myself love him in full, masking this well enough that he things I’m the greatest but I have been better so so much better. And the point is this how can I, a person that has a some what straight head on my shoulders knowing my wrongs and mistakes, knowing what my problems are and willing to fix them, not be able to. I watch people very close to me get second chance all the time so why cant I see my own. Why does every one else get free bees and I get stuck, why do I struggle to stay stable when others can just throw there hands in the air say that they are literally crazy and live off the government. How come I can’t be that person that sits at home and has a check come to my door every month. Now I know this isn’t enough money to do shit will but there bills are still paid and they have food… that’s all one really needs right, the basics, so why cant I have that, why do I sit and cry over all the wrongs I’ve done when others can just say there crazy, why do I live with myself when I know I should have ended it long ago and saved so many from myself, what am I waiting for, I don’t know how to save myself and I sure as hell know that no night in shinning armor will ever EVER!! Save me… how do I keep fucking up my life. Every one knows or says that to mean anything you should be in college to earn money and start a career but you need money to do this, every one says to have money get a job. I have a job but not enough hours to even pay my bills. “well go get another job” I just have, working two jobs trying to pay bills, but how do I go to school with two jobs… how do I go to school, two places of work, with no money for gas? Why is it so hard for some one that has never really stepped out of line to succeed .. Tell me how do you do it, how do you get lucky enough to sit at home living off the government and complain. You have no idea how hard it is to stay sane and keep going try so hard to get my head above the water. While listening to you bitch and yet still loving you enough to stay quiet pretending that I understand and trying so hard to but I DON’T ok I admit it I don’t understand how hard it is cause I’m not crazy I know my past I accept the things that’s happened I don’t dwell I try like hell and its only time like these when I have a great day full of love and laughing then a rude awaking back to my situation by a cop pulling me over telling me that my tags are expired and hading me a $100 ticket when I just toke the person I love out for once trying to be the person I use to be, after finally having something in my pocket to treat myself for all my struggling over the past months. Now its gone, how can I be that stupid to not remember my fucking tags! How do I keep living with myself, one dum mistake after another. Some might say that’s just it, one stupid mistake you can get over it, well those little mistakes add up until you cant breath anymore, when living one more day seems the worst thing you could do but you cant bring yourself to drown in the bathtub, dig that blade down your wrist, eat that bullet, or to swallow all those pills at your finger tips. Why cant I?! I know that there’s nothing after I do I’ve tried to pretend that something lies after death but I’m not that stupid any more, I’m tricking myself into believing but I know its not true, that there a supreme being up there waiting to take all my pain away once I die naturally some one who is already holding my father close so that when my time comes ill be able to see him again. The ones that have died are lost from me and I wont see them again, if I die then that’s it no more struggling no more pain, so why do I hold on why cant I let go, I really just want to stop.
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Submission Name: why?
