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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Young.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: awastedsky
    Elite Ratio:    5.48 - 103/120/80
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 98
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 873



    Description:
       kids these days?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYoung.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    frequency's on high; i'm a cliché
    standing in the rain
    for i feel superior
    that only i can hear
    your somber voice

    and i've got an inkling
    things aren't, so
    you're letting go
    of something i will not allow
    myself to blow.

    what's the cause for quiet end?
    why did i bend
    until my breaking point
    expecting you to mend
    my tired heart?

    i had it all wrong,
    but now you're gone
    it's funny how failure can last so long
    and i'll never be able to fix what went unsaid.

    i really am so young.

    and this dance is draining me,
    and this action is shaming me,
    and this time you're blaming me,

    i am naked in the middle of a thornbush.




    Submitted on 2008-05-01 03:43:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow... There's a lot of feeling here, that's for sure! This pome really intrigues the imagination. It pulls you in from the first line and keeps you from loosing interest through the end.

    However, some of the longer lines momentarily distracted me as I almost stumbled over little bits and pieces of them as I read, but it was qutie good all the same.

    This poem made me feel like there was someone you felt you loved, but you never said antything, even though they were trying so hard to make you see it, but they just couldn't.

    Lines 17 - 20 really gave that impression. Perhaps it was more than that - something you should have done that you didn't and you lost someone because of it.

    There wasn't really much that was unclear, as logn as you read the whole poem. The beginning seemed like it, but if you read the whole thing, it's almost as if it's setting you up for something more.

    I really couldn't say what this reminds me of... mostly in preference for that person's privacy... But she should have something about how she really felt... but she didn't and made someone really mad...

    I'd say that this piece definitely shows a unique style. Keep working at it. You're showing your own flare here.

    I don't think I have much more to say other than, if I haven't already made it obvious, I really like this poem...

    Umm... oh... And the very last line is intriguing. It seems as though the thorns are the troubles of the world that you have to wade through - those things that you no longer have a shield to help defend you from.

    Anyways.... Nicely done. I like it! Keep writing!

    ~Zara (aka, Eva)
    | Posted on 2008-05-02 00:00:00 | by Zara | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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