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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Red Watersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 487
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1628



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRed Watersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm bleeding slowly now
    Watch as it drips to the ground
    I'll clot this all somehow
    Quickly, I won't make a sound

    A pool is building at my feet
    It's starting to dry
    It sticks to me through the heat
    Not ready to die

    Cracks in the floor fill in
    You splintered my heart
    I'm getting dizzy within
    As I fall apart

    I take a step forward
    My veins explode
    It's gushing now
    Out of control

    I'm leaving puddles now
    It's still flowing
    It has eased somehow
    And I keep going

    My cuts are drying
    My wounds will heal
    I'll keep trying
    To dry these spills

    This is a mess
    That you left me in
    I am distressed
    As my blood turns thin

    I leave a trail
    As I part on my way
    You could follow
    I wouldn't let you stay

    You don't belong here
    These are my burdens
    That should be clear
    It should be certain

    It is settled today
    It comes and it goes
    I stain all on my way
    It has cursed my soul

    I need to find someone
    To help clot this shame
    But if they cannot
    They're marked with my pain

    I'll keep moving forward
    Even if my veins go dry
    My blood may fill oceans
    But my heart still pounds inside

    No matter how much blood I spill
    It feels like so much more




    Submitted on 2008-05-01 05:16:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The third stanza doesn't flow very well, unlike the rest of the piece.

    Suggestion: Could you make...

    A pool is building up at my feet


    A pool is building at my feet

    Really, I think it is has true potential. It catches my breath, draws me in, and then shoves me away. Its beautiful in a scary, intimidating way. I like it. Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2008-05-01 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually enjoyed this poem rather well. The rhymes were very efficent with the poem and it flowed rather nice. You used the A, B, A, B theme which is a pattern I often use.

    There were a few sentences I felt didn't flow the best together, but then again it's probably because I'm more partial to A, A, B, B.

    I thought the lines...

    A pool is building up at my feet
    It's starting to dry
    It sticks to me through the heat
    Not ready to die

    ...went well with each other the most, but I felt if you took out the word "are" in these lines it would make it rhyme better.

    Cracks in the floor are filled in
    You splintered my heart
    I'm getting dizzy within
    As I fall apart

    Because most of your other lines are short, cut off, and abrupt. It went really well with the poem. So perhaps if you made it...

    Cracks in the floor filled in
    You splintered my heart
    I'm getting dizzy within
    As I fall apart

    ...it would go better with the poem. Overall it was a very nice poem. The emotion and feeling was there. It was a poem I would probably read again. I really liked this one.

    Great Job.
    | Posted on 2008-05-01 00:00:00 | by BeautifulSoul | [ Reply to This ]


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