Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Red Watersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 452
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1628



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRed Watersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm bleeding slowly now
    Watch as it drips to the ground
    I'll clot this all somehow
    Quickly, I won't make a sound

    A pool is building at my feet
    It's starting to dry
    It sticks to me through the heat
    Not ready to die

    Cracks in the floor fill in
    You splintered my heart
    I'm getting dizzy within
    As I fall apart

    I take a step forward
    My veins explode
    It's gushing now
    Out of control

    I'm leaving puddles now
    It's still flowing
    It has eased somehow
    And I keep going

    My cuts are drying
    My wounds will heal
    I'll keep trying
    To dry these spills

    This is a mess
    That you left me in
    I am distressed
    As my blood turns thin

    I leave a trail
    As I part on my way
    You could follow
    I wouldn't let you stay

    You don't belong here
    These are my burdens
    That should be clear
    It should be certain

    It is settled today
    It comes and it goes
    I stain all on my way
    It has cursed my soul

    I need to find someone
    To help clot this shame
    But if they cannot
    They're marked with my pain

    I'll keep moving forward
    Even if my veins go dry
    My blood may fill oceans
    But my heart still pounds inside

    No matter how much blood I spill
    It feels like so much more




    Submitted on 2008-05-01 05:16:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The third stanza doesn't flow very well, unlike the rest of the piece.

    Suggestion: Could you make...

    A pool is building up at my feet


    A pool is building at my feet

    Really, I think it is has true potential. It catches my breath, draws me in, and then shoves me away. Its beautiful in a scary, intimidating way. I like it. Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2008-05-01 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually enjoyed this poem rather well. The rhymes were very efficent with the poem and it flowed rather nice. You used the A, B, A, B theme which is a pattern I often use.

    There were a few sentences I felt didn't flow the best together, but then again it's probably because I'm more partial to A, A, B, B.

    I thought the lines...

    A pool is building up at my feet
    It's starting to dry
    It sticks to me through the heat
    Not ready to die

    ...went well with each other the most, but I felt if you took out the word "are" in these lines it would make it rhyme better.

    Cracks in the floor are filled in
    You splintered my heart
    I'm getting dizzy within
    As I fall apart

    Because most of your other lines are short, cut off, and abrupt. It went really well with the poem. So perhaps if you made it...

    Cracks in the floor filled in
    You splintered my heart
    I'm getting dizzy within
    As I fall apart

    ...it would go better with the poem. Overall it was a very nice poem. The emotion and feeling was there. It was a poem I would probably read again. I really liked this one.

    Great Job.
    | Posted on 2008-05-01 00:00:00 | by BeautifulSoul | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160933

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    Fasade written by jackz
    Carry written by saartha
    Cover written by saartha
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love written by saartha
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Records I written by Raphael
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Every..... written by jackz
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry