Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Separationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 743
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 508



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeparationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Small-town night breaks
    away, leaves me in dreams
    of red sun and ravenous shadow,
    a world pondering its own
    soft end, long fingers
    gathering up all the music
    and filtering it through
    my too-small ribcage.

    Something stirs
    like a dinosaur in the fog
    of my own self,
    raises its ugly head
    and merely stares.

    I feel as though
    I've forgotten something;
    or maybe, someone
    forgot me.




    Submitted on 2008-05-02 02:12:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ...long fingers
    gathering up all the music
    and filtering it through
    my too-small ribcage.


    ... Yeah.
    That feeling that everything's too big, and close, and perfect, and yet nothing at all is that way, or ever will be? Yeah.
    Or... It is so big and close and perfect, but at the same time, it's utterly hopeless because you can never touch.

    And your body wants to explode.

    Something stirs
    like a dinosaur in the fog
    of my own self,
    raises its ugly head
    and merely stares.

    I feel as though
    I've forgotten something;
    or maybe, someone
    forgot me.


    Last stanza kills.
    And a dinosaur.

    When I think of dinos, I think of the docile, veggie ones. And vegetarians really aren't so scary. They're all undernourished and flighty
    Uhm.


    Yep!

    I'd say this was unspecified. No?
    No... Well...

    Okay.





    *
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by diamondmind | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful, and I agree, you have a poet's voice. This poem opens and closes on stylistic lines. In between is fine. The last stanza is gripping.

    There are some things you could do to improve the middle:Avoid using the "ing" form of verbs. Say "a world ponders" etc. No need for "own" after "its" or "my" also no need for "up" after "gather." S2 - "dinosaur in the fog" - Why does it stir? Maybe, "lost in the fog?" Also "stirs" )and) "raises." The "and' is needed before "raises" and that forces "to stare" as the next line. You may want to consider different line breaks once you change things.

    I hope that didn't sound critical, it's not meant to be. Your poem is lovely and these are suggestions to be considered, by you. I truly enjoyed you poem.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2008-05-31 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, I just want to say that you really have a lovely poetic voice. I am crap at critique so I generally don't comment on your work as I have nothing to add as far as suggestions but I do enjoy your work/

    Your style is refined and minimal. Your writing has meat. Something to chew on. As well, it makes me think because there is a vagueness. (Which is not a bad thing, it is a great thing as it isn't completely spelled out.)

    Anyway... thought I should at least say something. Seems my fingers are chatty today.
    | Posted on 2008-05-02 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    160960

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    This written by Chelebel
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Bond written by saartha
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Incubus written by monad
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry