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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Separationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 508



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeparationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Small-town night breaks
    away, leaves me in dreams
    of red sun and ravenous shadow,
    a world pondering its own
    soft end, long fingers
    gathering up all the music
    and filtering it through
    my too-small ribcage.

    Something stirs
    like a dinosaur in the fog
    of my own self,
    raises its ugly head
    and merely stares.

    I feel as though
    I've forgotten something;
    or maybe, someone
    forgot me.




    Submitted on 2008-05-02 02:12:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ...long fingers
    gathering up all the music
    and filtering it through
    my too-small ribcage.


    ... Yeah.
    That feeling that everything's too big, and close, and perfect, and yet nothing at all is that way, or ever will be? Yeah.
    Or... It is so big and close and perfect, but at the same time, it's utterly hopeless because you can never touch.

    And your body wants to explode.

    Something stirs
    like a dinosaur in the fog
    of my own self,
    raises its ugly head
    and merely stares.

    I feel as though
    I've forgotten something;
    or maybe, someone
    forgot me.


    Last stanza kills.
    And a dinosaur.

    When I think of dinos, I think of the docile, veggie ones. And vegetarians really aren't so scary. They're all undernourished and flighty
    Uhm.


    Yep!

    I'd say this was unspecified. No?
    No... Well...

    Okay.





    *
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by diamondmind | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful, and I agree, you have a poet's voice. This poem opens and closes on stylistic lines. In between is fine. The last stanza is gripping.

    There are some things you could do to improve the middle:Avoid using the "ing" form of verbs. Say "a world ponders" etc. No need for "own" after "its" or "my" also no need for "up" after "gather." S2 - "dinosaur in the fog" - Why does it stir? Maybe, "lost in the fog?" Also "stirs" )and) "raises." The "and' is needed before "raises" and that forces "to stare" as the next line. You may want to consider different line breaks once you change things.

    I hope that didn't sound critical, it's not meant to be. Your poem is lovely and these are suggestions to be considered, by you. I truly enjoyed you poem.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2008-05-31 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, I just want to say that you really have a lovely poetic voice. I am crap at critique so I generally don't comment on your work as I have nothing to add as far as suggestions but I do enjoy your work/

    Your style is refined and minimal. Your writing has meat. Something to chew on. As well, it makes me think because there is a vagueness. (Which is not a bad thing, it is a great thing as it isn't completely spelled out.)

    Anyway... thought I should at least say something. Seems my fingers are chatty today.
    | Posted on 2008-05-02 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


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