Description: I know I said I wasn't going to write any poetry to put up here, but this pome is exclusively to be put up here... Um... It's not exactly personal to all degrees, but in some respects it is. It's supposed to be "truth" or "reality". You see, this is a variation of a poem I have up on another site - All Poetry as anyone who had read my journal know that is where my poems are going. I am really only going to be using Elite Skills for prose writing most of the time... but I just thought of an alternate perspective for the poem I wrote.
Umm.... this is only in misc. since I don't know what else to put it under... Heh.... ^-^'
Anyways... Umm... what do you think? I only took five minutes to write this and it has yet to be edited, so please feel free to nit pick so I can revise and the like! And, if you would let me know what this says to you, that would be the best!
I really liked this poem. It was neat the way you explained how fragile a heart is, like its made of glass. very good. I noticed a line or two that didnt make sense so Id just look over it again if I were you. Good write!
<3 Harriet
When I think of a glass heart I get images of something very cold and mechanical. A glass heart would be too hard to actually pulse, it would be like some fancy clockwork contraption, parts moving up and down with regular precision. And what you're trying to say is that it's fragile, so I don't really think glass is the best description... I imagine it more like a balloon that's easy to pop, can get carried away by strong wind etc. So yep, that's my first suggestion - alter the glass aspect - though that's entirely up to you, it's a pretty big part of the poem.
Another nit-pick would be that some lines seem a little too clunky. Like:
Can't snatch back that too close breath -
which stand out too much in a poem that is otherwise really quite taut and condensed. Another example of that:
Fingers reaching, but not gripping.
that but doesn't seem necessary. I read somewhere that a poem ought to be a complete whole where every part is important (like a body with all its internal organs interacting together to make it alive), and I think looking at it that way would really help when you edit this.
But yeah, it's a pretty good start, and I like your use of dashes, very cool and Emily Dickinson-y.
Submission Name: Glass Heart
