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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Mountain? (Updated Vers. 1.2)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 456
    Class/Type: Story/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1180
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2334



    Description:
       This is about an indiviudals journey up at a mountain of being exiled from his homeland, they called the guy crazy. and practically stoned him to death.

    ive really been thinking alot about this. though so will argue with what it is, i will call it prose.

    its also a story. i want it to be really long, so dont bother thinking this will be done soon. lol.

    any comments appriciated.

    i reciprocate. :P

    Its prety much a visiual journey of the path my soul has made with fate destiny and the stars. (CAPRICORN) Its also a romance story of a search for the person who owns my soul, my soul mate. hope yall enjoy.

    I always comment back people, remember that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Mountain? (Updated Vers. 1.2)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    An d so HE said...
    "Here I am left on a mountainside, and bare nothing but the dreams of everyone I have seen;Everything I have embraced. I stand alone in deep contemplation of where everyone has gone. In my mind I can see their faces but can not reach to touch there souls. I have brought them here to set them free and their time has come, but even I know I may not touch the top of the moutain. Even those who die deserve life. Some do NOT. Time wears thin and I can not find my way. I have NO home, and am now KNOWN as a nomad. I can not help but wonder this place. So where else would they go?" I look up the horizon and the summit calls my name. To reach the top, would take much concentration, providing there was no type of storm. then impossible. I shake my head in doubt but hate fills my own. I believe I do not have the patience to ascend. Inside there is a deep regret, For the knowledge I endure sustains me .knowing. It burdens me with pain, for it is all I feel. That I can not even speak it. Words could not describe what it means to feel. anything at all. really. He, the man not knowing who he was, threw a rock at the sky. and watched as it flew straight up and falling straight back down even faster then he threw it, as it fell back down it almost hit him in the forehead. He screamed. "Now tell me mountain, has age scourned you? or do you live?" no reply. "What has me so crazy that I can not walk with my own. Not even my shadow knows my name. I keep mine alive. I still can not see. Where should one wonder if he is frightened by sight. Afflicted by nature, so should I Inflict? Her...her name runs so pure through my mind. The sweetest of all natures. LoVe. The wind began to blew as the sun went down on yet another night. shameless he outstretched embraced the wind. as just as such, the nomad took flight. but not even here would he ever touch the peak of the moutain...
    -
    It hurt to know exactly what pain feels like.

    Mist in a covered veil, I'ts all I see, covered from head to toe, even from me. Further then ever before you. Your love for me is the deepest burning desire by meaning. Romance Sweet Romance. I love you. How could this never be true, and here I sit at the top of this mountain. Looking down, there you are.




    Submitted on 2008-05-06 19:27:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Your way of speaking English shows some of the ways from your native language (I don't know what language that is). This is not wrong, it is usually quite charming. Sometimes it does not work. Here's an example: "I can not help but wonder this place". You can wonder at a place, wonder about a place, wonder upon a place, wonder in a place, wonder outside a place, wonder over a place, under it, around it, concerning it, and so on, but you can't wonder a place. Hmf.

    However, you can wonder a place if you want to, because POETS RULE. It was artists not scholars who made my language so beautiful!

    That's what I'm trying to tell you, I think. In this piece are several unusual constructions of phrase or sentence; but just as a critic and fellow-poet, I really would like to read them just as they are and with no corrections!

    I have to stop writing till tomorrow. But if you were worrying about your command of English for writing, well, I don't think you ought to feel any problem. Your expression is free and elegant. You sometimes make a real mistake that somebody will tell you about; but that is no problem, either, since everybody else makes a few mistakes too!

    It is interesting that people with two or three languages usually do better at English expression than most of the native English-speakers who have only English! I have been noticing that, all over this website. Written English can become very different from spoken English, as we notice when chatting online, when people are trying to write like they talk and it usually doesn't work very well! lol.
    | Posted on 2009-06-04 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      It doesn't look too bad, this is a good start. It does leave with the cliffhanger, that's kind of a downside. I do see a few problems in here, but not too big ones.

    "I have lost my home and now as a nomad I can not help but wonder this place."

    It seems like it should be "wonder in this place." Maybe I just don't get it, but that's how it seems to me.

    Another is a small one.

    "To reach the top, would take much concentration."

    You don't need the comma there.
    The only other thing is that it seems more like prose, not a poem. If you could break it up to flow better, it would look and read easier. Like this for example,

    "Here I am left on a mountain
    and I stand alone
    in deep contemplation of where
    everyone has gone.
    In my mind I can see their faces
    but I can not reach to touch there soul.
    I have lost my home
    and now as a nomad I can not help
    but wonder this place."

    That's just a suggestion. I really think that it would read a lot eaiser that way.

    Otherwise, I think it was really well written and I would like to read the rest when you finish. So when you finish, send me a pm telling me when you finish. Thanks.

    Nice Write
    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2008-05-08 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]


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