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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Trampolines are to Heaven as Trains are to Bostondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vegetable
    ASL Info:    17/F/MA
    Elite Ratio:    6.94 - 18/17/16
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1060
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 686



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrampolines are to Heaven as Trains are to Bostondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Keep her outside, will you?
    But itís not a question.
    In the echo of a slammed door,
    the verbal guns begin to fire.
    I can put you on the trampoline
    because youíre young.
    But you still hear every word
    and thereís nothing I can do.
    Plates, thrown.
    Nerves, plucked.
    Keep jumping, kiddo.
    Itíll be alright.
    "Do you think we could reach heaven?"
    Maybe if we tried.
    Such an innocent face,
    Your skinned knees bend farther.
    Throwing yourself
    to the clouds.
    Sorry, kiddo.
    Thereís no escaping this.
    But I know it feels better to try.




    Submitted on 2008-05-07 19:43:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can't tell if this is leaning toward child abuse, or just general family conflict.

    I can relate to both as an older sibling who tried shielding his younger siblings from it.

    The last two lines are my favorite. They air a bitter hopelessness (maybe I'm wrong) that the speaker can not get out of the situation and the speaker knows the sibling can't either. At the same time it suggests that it's better to try even if it won't be successful. Finally, I just like the image it brings into my head.

    I also like how the more ignorant innocence of the younger sibling is worked (I think seamlessly) into the poem and words of the older, aware sibling. The idea that one could jump to high enough to get away is obviously a more innocent view.

    Some notes:

    I wonder if quotes shouldn't enclose the first line since it is spoken (correct) and line 13 is enclosed in quotation marks. If there's a reason for the inconsistency, I can't tell. I suppose it's not important.

    I think "the" in the 4th line isn't necessary.

    "Plates, thrown.
    Nerves, plucked."
    The commas work because they can act as a pause. But grammatically I think commas aren't necessary. When I read those two lines they sound like a checklist. Are the plates thrown, check. When I think checklist I think colons. "Plates: thrown" "Nerves: plucked"
    Or perhaps no punctuation, but a change in formate.
    "Plates
    thrown
    Nerves
    plucked"
    Would suggest a pause too. Just some thoughts, the commas don't detract if you prefer them.

    "Such an innocent face,
    Your skinned knees bend farther."
    Minor grammar thing. The comma would be better as a semicolon.
    | Posted on 2008-07-18 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      The title of this attracted me to it and i'm glad it did. This is a very well written poem about the blunt truth of what many families go through. The older sibling trying to save the little one from the truth of cruelty. but there comes the day that they will figure it out on there own and all the covering up will be in vein. I like this poem a lot!
    | Posted on 2008-07-08 00:00:00 | by Oli | [ Reply to This ]
      i adore the title... like really really really adore it.

    the piece is good though id love to see a little more experiementation with format/presentation perhaps but yes... it always feels better to try... coz then atleast you feel like SOMETHING is being done to right the wrongs or fly far far away...

    my childhood had a lot of these moments or moments where my step mother would walk out and leave us for 5 hours at a time and all we could reach was the sugar container... i'd ring my mother and tell her we were home alone again and the boys were crying and i didnt know what to do and she would say "i cant do anything..."

    im sure she could have.
    if she'd wanted to...

    anyways yes... trampolines are to heaven as trains are to boston... maybe you can find that train to boston one day and leave all of these behind... heaven sounds a little too fatal when looked at from some angles...
    | Posted on 2008-05-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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