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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: post-love point of viewdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 390
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 952
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2548



    Description:
       this is neither a finished piece nor a particularly strong piece, but i figure one of you would toddle along with a suggestion or two.

    so bombs away!

    p.s. i hate the title, and by association, the last line wording, so start throwing suggestions out for those as well.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspost-love point of viewdots
    -------------------------------------------


    What my arms learned in love
    they practice for approval along his muscled torso.
    Strong lines of his neck
    tense and constrict
    with every light lick, each wicked (with-teeth) nip,
    bestowed with vanilla flavored lips.
    A taste I applied not to please but to
    play; for his fancy and pleasure,
    his capricious favor and my self esteem’s measure …
    bluffing Fate for a better hand to be dealt.

    Oh Mother,
    Your lessons are not forgot,
    but are of little use to a woman grown
    brittle with wasted time and sold at hideous price,
    frozen dry with self-told lies of sheeted ice,
    to keep from melting down in hopeless regret ...
    No, Mother, your lessons I did not forget.

    On other nights, there are other legs
    stroked and touched,
    other waists straddled and shoulders clutched;
    no love lost here where,
    were I righteous, it would be nothing to resist ...
    where love was never found to be missed.
    My hands claw,
    fingers drawing inward to become a fist
    as my heart fills and twists,
    as strange perspective penetrates …
    strange how surprisingly it satiates.

    Oh Mother,
    You taught me well; I have not forgot
    all your good teachings and admonitions.
    But you believe and I grow skeptic.
    You cry, "faith!" to heal me from my lusty desires;
    I stay septic.
    How wrong you were in teaching
    happiness to be a virtue,
    that to whom all good things come
    are to those who all good things do.
    Oh Mother, if all you had said was true
    then the cold comforts of long-lost love
    would have seen me through,
    strengthened me and made me tough …
    the memory of such love would have been enough.
    Enough to unify my splintered soul
    and this strange perception would not fulfill,
    would not be close to complete ...
    would not calm the bitter permafrost
    that goodness, cloaked in worth,
    could not defeat.

    So Mother,
    forgive me my present low caliber,
    my scandal and sin -
    forgive the illicit joys
    of knowing the feel of sex-made,
    sweat-softened skin.
    I've learned your lessons and remember them well
    but the red light world has gone gray
    with the shades of possibility and uncharted feeling
    from my new, post-love point of view.




    Submitted on 2008-05-09 02:06:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This excellent write reminds me that none of us can live up to our parents expectations and admonishings (perhaps because we are theirs and therefore expected to be perfect), and I doubt that they lived up to the expectations and admonishments of their parents!

    You have done a great job of presenting reality and truth in this piece! And, you have done it with tenderness, honesty, and a dignified, poetic acknowledgment of human frailty!

    Bravo, lovely lady!
    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      very thoughtprovoking... you just put my mind in one thing... yeah, you are right... that thing is the one i am thinking.. well.. about the writing... i like it how it flows and made me want to read more from you... i ll keep reading you...

    take care and have a nice day
    peace and much love
    Victor
    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm speechless. you have created a piece that sends me to deep thoughts. great piece. i'm loss for words. check out my page
    | Posted on 2008-07-20 00:00:00 | by JoJoCrab | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is perfect, what poetry means to me: realness, so real it can be touched. your use of rhymes was amazingly controlled, not forced at all, so damn natural, and made your poem flow... very gracefully.

    the subject matter? poised, thoughtful, besmirched, sinful... i see shades of myself in all of this.

    you always inspire, grace.
    with me leaving, sick of the mumbo-jumbo poetics i read here all the time, yours manages to rise above and put me on a very personal yet universal plane.

    ~j
    | Posted on 2008-05-11 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
      Coming from a country dominated by religious fanatics, I can see where this is coming from and my heart goes out to those conflicted by the issue. I think that it really is difficult when you are brought up in this citadel of modesty and all that jazz only to be taken out of it by something much older than faith - humanity. It's like being forced to rebuilt something while all the parts, the building blocks have been reduced to such oddly shaped figures.

    I still think that sex can either make you feel extremely beautiful or extremely ugly. I doubt that it ever means nothing the first time you come face to face with it. It's just one of those things that make you feel, alive.

    I like the first two lines. I don't know why exactly. But like most of the parts of this peom, I felt a healthy connection.

    Overall, I think it's pretty good.
    | Posted on 2008-05-09 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Are you kidding me? I love this piece, and personally...the last line,title, and all. The only thing i really don't like are the first few lines.

    Really, truly...it is strong. It's wonderful!

    However, I am not so sure whether you are saying that you regret it and wish you had listened to her...

    If you mean that you love the guy...

    or if you mean that there is more than one guy...

    Or maybe all of the above?

    Anyway, its really great. I love it. I love it. I love it!
    | Posted on 2008-05-09 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhh, I have some titles but I don't know if they are really worth much. Anyway here they are:
    -Mother, please forgive me for I have sinned.
    -I didn't say I wanted this but this is what it is.
    -You told me the truth but I ignored.
    -Mother, he's the one.
    | Posted on 2008-05-09 00:00:00 | by Moon2thestars | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is very good. It is somthing I can keep reading over and over again and finding somthing new and exiting every time. Personally I don't really like anything written about sex but even though at the surfice it seems like that it really isnt'. You got a secret message in there that I admire. I would love to read some more of your poetry.
    | Posted on 2008-05-09 00:00:00 | by Moon2thestars | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with you that the last line [and therefore i guess the title] need to be changed but i am not sure how.

    i am struck by the voice of this piece.
    you are essentially saying sorry for straying from the faith you have been brought up with, the faith that your mother perhaps pounded into you, the faith you accepted until you found out about other ways of life.
    but it isnt as if you have abandoned this faith to spite your mother and i think that is where the voice comes in here... it hasnt been an intentional process and it feels like there are parts of this faith that still wriggle round in your heart even if its just the stories about a man and a big fish or the one about the ark.

    in some ways the voice of this piece is defensive as if mothers heart would break if she knew the goings on and your explanations keep reminding her that you know her ways... that youve learnt them... that you embraced them... remember when i was a little girl, remember how i shone... almost as if to distract your mother into thinking about you back then so she wouldnt think about now...

    its interesting the way childhood faith causes issues with sexuality... when things that were once black and white and completely non-negotiable become kinda blurred and merged and compromised...

    yeah i have nothing to offer on this piece other than understanding the pressures of balancing mothers, faith and the rest of my life...
    | Posted on 2008-05-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      "I felt the wind shout like a drum.
    You said, 'My friend, love's end has come.'
    It couldn't last, had to stop.
    You drained it all to the last drop."
    -Deserted Cities of the Heart, Cream

    --------------

    After reading this, the title really makes sense.

    No, I don't think it's a bad title. It presents the idea of the poem. However, I'm guessing you want to be more creative about it. So, how about this for a title:

    "Oh Mother, I know the deep places of the earth."

    Ok, maybe you won't like that. But if it were my poem, that would be the title I would use. Heh, I've got a thing for odd/long titles. It makes sense to me, though. "The deep places of the earth" is a biblical reference to the womb, which is described as the "lower places of the earth". I hope I paraphrased that correctly. But anyways, the womb makes me think of love-making and whatnot. That's why I made that suggestion.

    Now, on to the poem itself. The poem, it seems to get drunk on love and sex, yet it sobers up and seethes slightly when you get to the "mother" parts. I love it. Contrasting feeling.

    Now, we are all close to our mothers. Unfortunately, I think sons are closer to mothers than daughters are. I mean, that's how it usually ends up. There is sometimes tension between mother and daughter. That came through in your poem quite well. Your mother only taught these lessons in your "best interest". Now, I don't believe you hate your "mother", but i perceive with the whole "faith" thing that she is extremely religious and somewhat "uptight". Just remember this:

    She was young once. She too knew the joys of sex. How else would you have come to be? ;)

    I don't really see anything I might change except for the title. Other than that, this is a kickass poem. Thanks for the great read.

    ~AsiaticFox

    | Posted on 2008-05-09 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]


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