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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Ballet (My Secret Place)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lebeauvide
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 75/179/84
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 159
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1258



    Description:
       I'm caught in the tangled steps of Life's tango... and am loving every minute of it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Ballet (My Secret Place)dots
    -------------------------------------------




    I close my eyes and my feet lift
    Twisting at a languid pace
    Drifting and shifting between the planes
    Searching for that sacred place
    I go to when I dance


    My mind reaches out for that sunset hue
    The shade of a dewy afternoon
    With no trace of shadows
    No trace of gloom
    Only serenity and peace


    My body coils and writhes
    Undulating in unselfish joy
    The music of my imagination flowing
    In, around, and through me
    Forcing me to move


    My feet alight from the earth
    Desperate to make an escape
    My body sets into a rhythm of flight
    In these moments the Earth stands still
    And waits for me to catch up


    My entire being sings with freedom
    The relentless hum of motion
    Kinetic and sensual, the music rushes
    Carrying me along in this ballet
    Into the space-time continuum


    Colors and shapes surround me
    Encasing me in a warm embrace
    Moving with me in a carnal cadence
    An animalistic lust for release
    An explosive evolution of body and soul







    Submitted on 2008-05-11 14:31:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is a lot of beauty in this piece. The beauty of the dance and of your words. Dancers are special people, finding solace within their own movement. You have expressed the seach for that "serenity and peace." And you have done it well.
    Can this be better? I think so. Here are a few suggestions: Don't use "I." Keep the "my" though. You have tense shifts between "close," "lift" and "drifting," "shifting." I suggest you change the entire piece to past tense. LIke this:

    Closed my eyes and lifted my feet
    twisted at a languid pace.
    Drifted and shifted between the planes
    searched for that sacred place
    within my dance.

    My mind reached out for Sunset hues
    shades of a dewy afternoon.
    No trace of shadows
    none of gloom
    only serenity and peace.

    Not being critical here, just trying to help. Let me know what you think. It's still possible to keep it in the present tense. There is so much in this poem that is strikingly beautiful, don't let mixed tenses confuse it.

    I loved it.


    Phil
    | Posted on 2008-05-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      this is beautiful. :) I just wanted to let you know it is definate.
    -dancer
    | Posted on 2008-05-11 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]


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