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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crimson Sadnessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeadlyDodo
    Elite Ratio:    7.99 - 11/12/8
    Words: 302
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1971



    Description:
       This is the first serious poem I ever wrote. It's over 5 years old. That alone scares the hell out of me, so much time has passed and so little has changed.

    I realise that the last 2 stanza are cheesy as hell, originally there was another but that was even cheesier, so much so not even I could'nt stand it and I took it out, it's now lost in time... or somewhere in an old file buried deep on the hard-drive of my old computer.

    Anyway someone said I should put it up here... I wasn't sure I was going to 'till I showed them and they told me to.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrimson Sadnessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Slowly from my shattered heart,
    flows this crimson sadness,
    And as my life gently seeps away,
    you finally see the madness,

    My life, it was already yours,
    you didn't need to take it,
    you could have had my heart whole,
    you didn't need to break it.

    I'm sorry I couldn't show you sooner,
    I'm sorry I couldn't make you see,
    That all of my love for you,
    was far greater than your lust for me,

    Your tears fall gently on my face,
    and as I lie here I know I'm dying,
    I can hear your gentle, sweet voice,
    filled with sadness as you're crying,

    'I'm sorry' you say 'that I could not see'
    'the power of my lust for you, it blinded me'
    'I should have looked deeper, and seen what was true'
    'Your great love for me, and my greater love for you'

    'please know that I would give my life'
    'if for one moment I thought'
    'that one extra second of time'
    'for your life could be bought'

    I feel a gentle calming presence,
    Inside a quiet voice I hear,
    Suddenly there's a ray of hope
    As the voice, it tells me not to fear
    'Your time has not yet come' it says
    In my mind, I hear it loud and clear
    'You see that girl, she loves you'
    'She would give her life to keep you here'

    'You must stay here with her,
    and never leave her side,
    hold her in your strong arms,
    and tell the world with pride
    that there is no-one else in all the lands
    you would rather have to hold
    and no-one else you've ever met
    who in love has been so bold
    as to offer their life to save your own'




    Submitted on 2008-05-12 16:33:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Slowly from my shattered heart,
    flows this crimson sadness,
    And as my life gently seeps away,
    you finally see the madness,"

    bah like i say to EVERYONE who dares to write crimson! bahh sorry i just really hate that words its extremely over used to the point it should die -_- ^_^
    there are a crap load of colors you can use like vermilion or such cant remember them all i dont remember the last time i did remember them all the point being is crimson ish bad! okies it isnt all bad it's just i see it so much in poems -_- bah okiay anyway on to this i like the first stanza actually caught my attention so um good job

    "My life, it was already yours,
    you didn't need to take it,
    you could have had my heart whole,
    you didn't need to break it."

    i like how this sounds, its like a soft rhyme. does that make any sense? i love how you wrote this out though this sounds familiar. didnt i read this one time or another? O.O i think your audience can relate to what you put here, hell i know your audience can relate, one time or another we are left vulnerable by those we trusted most , yes i am being corny deal with it.

    "I'm sorry I couldn't show you sooner,
    I'm sorry I couldn't make you see,
    That all of my love for you,
    was far greater than your lust for me,"

    yeah i think i did see this before. i think you should take out the other sorry, it sounds a bit clashing unless these are lyrics? anyway i thinks it's awesome how you incorperated love and lust with in the same stanza, nice move.

    "Your tears fall gently on my face,
    and as I lie here I know I'm dying,
    I can hear your gentle, sweet voice,
    filled with sadness as you're crying,"

    in the beginning of this poem you make the girl seem heartless, but now the farther you go in you seem to make her more human, more like someone who can make mistakes without seeming, like an evil character
    in a story.

    'I'm sorry' you say 'that I could not see'
    'the power of my lust for you, it blinded me'
    'I should have looked deeper, and seen what was true'
    'Your great love for me, and my greater love for you'"

    this seems like wishful thinking on the persons part, though it may be just me when you stated before that she was in lust with you not love, then suddenly she sees her errors, well this is a poem so i guess its possible i like also how you have the hindsight is 20/20 in here, how she sees her mistakes and regrets it as her lover is 'dying' don't know if you meant that literally or figuratively .

    "'please know that I would give my life'
    'if for one moment I thought'
    'that one extra second of time'
    'for your life could be bought'"

    this is beautifully placed, i dont have much thoughts on this that i could place here for you to read so i guess ill just move on to the next stanza so i dont waste any more of your time lol.

    "I feel a gentle calming presence,
    Inside a quiet voice I hear,
    Suddenly there's a ray of hope
    As the voice, it tells me not to fear
    'Your time has not yet come' it says
    In my mind, I hear it loud and clear
    'You see that girl, she loves you'
    'She would give her life to keep you here'"

    ah so this is the saving grace part of the poem. it seems like a dream, the way you wrote it that is.
    again im like losing things to say, this poem has a beautiful depressive quality lol.

    "'You must stay here with her,
    and never leave her side,
    hold her in your strong arms,
    and tell the world with pride
    that there is no-one else in all the lands
    you would rather have to hold
    and no-one else you've ever met
    who in love has been so bold
    as to offer their life to save your own'"

    i love the ending. seriously i got the chills. i think you wrapped this whole thing up nicely. just the placement of stanzas is interesting. how you put more depth into each line you write and how every word you wrote carries such meaning. im really impressed honey.

    Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty long work.

    I like the way you describe sadness for the first stanza. The first four stanzas are well written, and you chose your words carefully. But the fifth stanza to the eight stanza, i think they are a bit too long and can easily be understood.

    Well what a very bad experience that you had, luckily you have the guardian who always stand by your side to hold you and help you out. It is nice to hear that you had passed this moment.

    Overal this work is good, if you can add some metaphors, i think it will be better. This is just my opinion, you know what is the best for your work.

    - Dave -
    | Posted on 2008-05-22 00:00:00 | by garnet4david | [ Reply to This ]


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