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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1156
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 505



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe dots
    -------------------------------------------


    If words could describe how I feel
    I probably would have written them.
    If time truly does heal
    I'm glad, Ive got to much of it on my hands.
    All day I sit alone in the dark
    waiting for a stranger to knock on my door
    A wilted lover is who I am
    and love for me has run oddly poor
    I search the land high and dry
    but I can't find compassion, like I had before
    now all I have are memories
    that I keep locked and stashed away




    Submitted on 2008-05-12 16:40:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I loved the lines,
    "If time truly does heal
    I'm glad, Ive got to much of it on my hands."

    I love that idea. That statement.

    I see SweetAndOhSoME suggested you change that second line to, "I'm glad, I've got so much on my hands." If you feel that it is best to say too much- and I personally think saying "to much," as you did, makes a different and more fitting statement here- then perhaps to make it flow a bit better you could just remove "of it" so it would be, "I'm glad, I've got too much on my hands." I think- though I could be wrong- that Sweets point was to take out "of it" to make it punchier or something, so if you think "too much" instead of "so much" is more fitting, then you could do some sort of middle ground and use "too much" as you did, but eliminate "of it".

    Some people suggest eliminating certain unnecessary words like "of" and such. I use them a lot in my writing and am trying to eliminate them when I can sometimes just to see if it sounds better, but I still use them a lot myself. Yet, sometimes removing them does make things sound punchier and gives it a better flow, but either way I like those lines.
    | Posted on 2008-06-15 00:00:00 | by Cloacina | [ Reply to This ]
      Suggestion: Could you make...

    I'm glad, Ive got to much of it on my hands.

    I am glad, I've got so much on my hands.

    ??

    Suggestion: Could you make...

    If time does truly heals

    If truly time does heal


    Suggestion: Could you make...

    All day I sit alone in the dark
    waiting for a stranger to knock on my door

    All day I sit alone in the dark
    waiting for a stranger to knock

    ??

    I really like it. It has a certain ring to it. It's not perfect, but its close enough for me. I think you deserve a high five!

    Good Job.

    ~xoxo~
    Sweets
    | Posted on 2008-05-12 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      This has a song like flow to it, something acoustic, I think. If it were more of a poem, it wouldn't really be my style, I'm really into crazy kinds of poetry. But as lyrics I love it. This could be the beginning of something bigger. A nice verse, I feel like if you wrote something of similar length and then a short chorus, this could be something beautiful.


    Well, more so beautiful than it is now.
    | Posted on 2008-05-12 00:00:00 | by Renč Magrete | [ Reply to This ]


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    161308

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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