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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 216
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 614
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1393


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I know that its a little late,
    And I'm a little insecure.
    But I've realized that I love you,
    If only I realized before.

    I've done some horrid things,
    Still sick memorys in my mind,
    But in my ribs, my heart still trembles,
    Hoping I havent missed too much time.

    I liked your mystery, your strength.
    Its probably why I first kissed you,
    Your morbid, cynical, depth.
    A kiss I now regret, for it was the kiss of death.

    I wanted to be a drop of sunshine,
    A teensy bit of hope for all time.
    But then I was attached,
    Wishing you would be mine.

    But then I was attached,
    Poured into you, what I could.
    Baked our skin into sunburnt cakes.
    Still sizzling, burning red.

    What light, once shown, a flickering bulb for now.
    Once a forced antagonizing glow,
    I flicker, I wither, we wilt.
    Like sunshine at its greatest fall.
    For I believe the least in what was felt.

    A kiss, a poisoned plague,
    In memory still much more vague.
    I wish our next kiss may be.
    Still darker, in its mystery.

    I'll come to thee, in darkest gloom.
    To love and hold,
    Slowly and yet, as can be, as soon.
    A candles glow, of which--To know.

    Submitted on 2008-05-13 03:33:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      A teensy bit of hope for all time.
    But then I was attached,
    Wishing you would be mine.

    But then I was attached,


    | Posted on 2009-03-19 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      very interesting piece which would work better with some tweaks.

    some of the lines here were really good but i didn't enjoy reading it. the meter of the piece was off and it felt jumpy. rhymes i was expecting didn't appear. a bit of work on unifying the verses and providing them with a solid structure would make the piece much more appealing.

    i really like the lines:
    'I wish our next kiss may be
    Still darker, in its mystery.'
    Made me think all sorts.

    Thank you for posting.

    | Posted on 2008-12-31 00:00:00 | by bugsy | [ Reply to This ]
       I feel that your rythmes sort of seemed forced it come of the verses but I love your first paragragh sooo much.
    I am not sure if they title is really "Untitled" or if you forgot to give it a name. Anyway, it is overall I would say a "7.5" out of ten. It has great ideas and format but I think you would do slightly better without the rythmes since you do such a great job with picking flowing words such as in the line: "Still sick memorys in my mind,But in my ribs, my heart still trembles"
    Keep it up you have great talent, you do a wonderful job with visuals and getting a point across with out being viscious about it lol
    | Posted on 2008-05-13 00:00:00 | by Moon2thestars | [ Reply to This ]

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