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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: to the dustdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 291
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1085
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2007



    Description:
       i can't seem to stop myself from writing, kept awake by an infernal coughing. this too is neither very good nor finished, so help a miserable writer and make this better with suggestions.

    EDITED: for keith's awesome suggestions. Thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsto the dustdots
    -------------------------------------------


    we've been like plastic bags
    you and i:
    swirled away by a breeze intent on mischief
    and i've never been happier
    for an excuse not to have to resist you.
    to be so windblown in disarray
    and lost,
    to be amiss with you;
    tangled in the topmost branch,
    itching with too intense a scent
    of pine;
    of prized, wise old wood.

    and with you i should have been wiser;
    i would have remained whole,
    if only i could have been wiser,
    like i should.

    we've been like forgotten fish bones
    caught on tongues;
    between teeth;
    in throats.
    so inconvenient, unfortunate
    oh, how we've choked on bad timing
    and soiled words,
    and like fish bones needing to be purged
    it was better at times to be just gone
    and away from you.
    away until the pain and shock subsided;
    after the reprieve of good, clean breath.
    you made it forgotten
    you made me okay with you

    but now,
    we're as two like magnets:
    far too similar to come together
    and far too alike to be apart;
    too far along in love to turn around.
    unwilling to begin from the start.

    so i breathe you back to the dust
    to what you're made of:
    scotch sips;
    clipper sails;
    brass tack
    and grandmother's furniture nails
    to bring you back from what you're afraid of.

    and i realize the risk that you'll reform
    into not being what i adore at all:
    that you'll become a stranger.
    oh yes,
    i know the danger well.

    but i remember our Canadian summers
    and how we've been like much needed rain.
    taken up,
    poured down,
    frozen solid,
    melted on the ground...

    all of this
    to make lovely things
    alive again.




    Submitted on 2008-05-13 05:18:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      what a beautiful piece.. very well written. thanks :)
    | Posted on 2009-04-11 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      Its been along time since I read any of your work and I have missed it!

    This was great and it had lots of feeling in it like most of your work does. I loved the ending ti tied it up just right.

    Thanks for sharing and I hope to read much more from you.

    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2009-02-07 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      If you touch one word on this piece, I believe you may ruin it.

    My advice....LEAVE IT AS IS!

    It's wonderful, completely captivating, and kept me reading all the way through.
    Love is always the hardest thing to write about, too many complicated ideas in the word.

    It comes to life with beautiful metaphores.

    The part about the magnets...BRILLIANT! I CAN RELATE TO THAT! It's complex without misunderstanding.

    Great work!
    | Posted on 2008-10-29 00:00:00 | by bluecrane | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Michael on this, Gracie! It doesn't need anything! It very poetically describes the confusion, absolute wonderful nonsense, and breathless excitement and amazement that goes along with love, and particularly some love affairs that don't make practical sense! You have manage to word and dramatize it in a very talented way that makes one almost understand the non-understandable things about a love affair!

    Nice work, lovely lady!
    | Posted on 2008-06-23 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      enjoyed this. some good lines like "itching with too intense a scent/of pine;/of prized, wise old wood." (liked that a lot)

    for a love-lost/bad relationship/hurt poem (too many of 'em here) this is excellent.

    my only suggestion would be to drop 'like' in the 1st line of each stanza. you shuold even drop 'we've been' in the following stanzas.

    peace, love and all that other junk,

    joe
    | Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      is this man a sailor? your imagery points heavily to this; there's this... urge to hold him down and recapture that moment, but your voice here seems to point to the futility of it, to just... enjoy the times you had and to leave it at that. but what do i know? that's the impression i got, the smell i got even, if that makes sense... the smell of fishbones and brine, fresh air and the burning aroma of scotch...

    you want a suggestion?
    and with you i should have been wiser;
    i would have remained whole,
    if only i could have been wiser,
    like i should.
    i'm not sure your third line needs repeating here. it would be stronger to me if you just got rid of it. but again, what do i know?

    it's always a pleasure to read you, grace. i always feel your words.
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by zen-dog | [ Reply to This ]
      should have
    would have
    could have...

    we've been like plastic bags
    you and i:
    taken away by a breeze intent on mischief
    and i've never been happier
    for an excuse not to have to resist you.

    to be so windblown in disarray
    and lost:
    in order to be amiss with you;
    tangled in the topmost branch,
    itching with too intense a scent
    of pine;
    of prized, wise old wood.

    and with you i should have been wiser;
    i would have remained whole,
    if only i could have been wiser,
    like i know i should have been.

    we've been like forgotten fish bones
    caught on tongues;
    between teeth;
    in throats.

    so inconvenient;
    so unfortunate oh,
    how we've choked on bad timing
    and soiled words
    and like fish bones, needing to be purged
    it was better at times to be just gone
    and away from you.

    until the pain and shock subsided;
    after the reprieve of good, clean breath.
    you made it forgotten;
    you made me okay with you
    but now,
    we're as two like magnets:
    far too similar to come together
    and far too alike to be apart;
    too far along in love to turn around.
    unwilling to begin from the start.

    so i breathe you back to the dust
    to what you're made of:
    scotch sips;
    clipper sails;
    brass tack
    and grandmother's furniture nails
    to bring you back from what you're afraid of.

    and i realize the risk that you'll reform
    into not being what i adore at all:
    that you'll become a stranger.
    oh yes,
    i know the danger well.

    but i remember our Canadian summers
    and how we've been like much needed rain.
    taken up,
    poured down,
    frozen solid,
    melted on the ground...

    all of this
    to make lovely things
    alive again.

    i knew what you were writing about.

    k
    | Posted on 2008-06-04 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      should have
    would have
    could have...

    we've been like plastic bags
    you and i:
    taken away by a breeze intent on mischief
    and i've never been happier
    for an excuse not to have to resist you.

    to be so windblown in disarray
    and lost:
    in order to be amiss with you;
    tangled in the topmost branch,
    itching with too intense a scent
    of pine;
    of prized, wise old wood.

    and with you i should have been wiser;
    i would have remained whole,
    if only i could have been wiser,
    like i know i should have been.

    we've been like forgotten fish bones
    caught on tongues;
    between teeth;
    in throats.

    so inconvenient;
    so unfortunate oh,
    how we've choked on bad timing
    and soiled words
    and like fish bones, needing to be purged
    it was better at times to be just gone
    and away from you.

    until the pain and shock subsided;
    after the reprieve of good, clean breath.
    you made it forgotten;
    you made me okay with you
    but now,
    we're as two like magnets:
    far too similar to come together
    and far too alike to be apart;
    too far along in love to turn around.
    unwilling to begin from the start.

    so i breathe you back to the dust
    to what you're made of:
    scotch sips;
    clipper sails;
    brass tack
    and grandmother's furniture nails
    to bring you back from what you're afraid of.

    and i realize the risk that you'll reform
    into not being what i adore at all:
    that you'll become a stranger.
    oh yes,
    i know the danger well.

    but i remember our Canadian summers
    and how we've been like much needed rain.
    taken up,
    poured down,
    frozen solid,
    melted on the ground...

    all of this
    to make lovely things
    alive again.

    i knew what you were writing about.

    k
    | Posted on 2008-06-04 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      i really think that this is a personal piece. one of those pieces that no one should really critique because it seems very close to you, and whenever something is that intimate i have a personal problem trying to speak on it. i really loved the emotion i could feel in this piece, though. in my opinion i think you did an excellent job expressing yourself, and opening up. good job.
    | Posted on 2008-05-24 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]
      Frankly, this does not need alot of help at all, or any for that matter. You have a real poetic "voice" and it comes through in this piece loud and clear. I will offer a few minor suggestions: "just to be amiss with you"... I've never seen "amiss" used quite this way, perhaps "run amok with you" ? only a suggestion...) you stay "on message" as the politicians say throughout the poem, and that IS a big deal.. I really enjoyed this piece... bravo... bravo... bravo... michael
    | Posted on 2008-05-20 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      so life kinda got in the way and i think it is even more so in the way today but here i am, slightly delayed, needing to comment on this piece.

    it stresses me that this isnt very good. i have an inferiority complex already.

    this is so deamlike... the way you land the reader with the most beautiful imagery and yet it seems so lazy and easy as if you didnt do anything at all... it just put itself there...


    the progression of a relationship... the good times the bad times the down right horrid times and then those times that over come all... youve captured it so well leaving me wanting to have someone i can share moments like this with... even the fish bone in the throat ones...

    i like the happiness in not needing reasons and the remembering to let go...

    you seem so aware of the way these interactions could change and the way things need to move on and ugh...

    this is so beautiful and my words say nothing about it at all
    | Posted on 2008-05-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you say this isn't very good. If this is your unvery good stuff, God help this site when you unleash something very good. Everyone else will have to stop posting due to massive inferiority complexes.

    Your seemingly natural way with the written word shines through here in many lines as you dance slowly and surely. There's no rush to returning him to dust, just a steady procession to the moment.

    I might like to see a different word than "stinking" in the first stanza. Not that this is saccharin in any way, but the word just doesn't seem to fit the rest of the context.

    There is a feeling of reconnection and letting go in here, like re-remembering how great it was to spend time with someone, if only you hadn't decided you hated them for a couple years.

    There are too many good lines in here for me to start throwing out favorites, but as an admirer of rhyme, I did particularly like this:

    "too alike to be apart;
    too far along in love to turn around
    and begin from the start."

    Anywho, I'm sorry I can't give you more of the critical response you'd like...I just enjoyed this too much. It read easy and comforting without being ignorable. It's sticking with me...like an old fish bone.

    James
    | Posted on 2008-05-15 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a wonderful poem, very rich in texture (too alike to come together") and very original in thought ("plastic bags" and "fishbones"). It's beautiful in its revelations, optomistic in its conclusion. It opens dynamicly("plastic bags carried and swirled away"), and closes philosophically ("to make lovely things / lovely and living again"). As such, it's a poem of high quality, it's fun to read, and it leaves the reader with a host of possible impressions. But you asked for suggestions and I love offering them, so here goes. "themoviesong" is correct. There are problems with verb tenses and overstuffing of fillers. So, now let me be specific: S1 L1 - L3 Fine as is (great opening.) I question the period at the end of L3, perhaps to end L4? L4 itself is the beginning of what I see as a "tense" situation (don't you love my humor?). I think it should be, "and I was never happier." This change means we must change L5. Begin it "With an excuse" and correct the grammar "to not have to resist you" In L6 drop the "to be so" and in L7 drop "to be." I think both of these add confusion of tense. In L9 I was put off by the word "stinking." Yes, it's powerful, but of the wrong tone for this poem, as I see it. I would change it to "itchy with an intense scent."

    S2 - L1 It should be "wiser."

    S3 - L2 A comma after "teeth." And in L5 it should be "soiled."

    S4 - L1 Strengthen this by saying "same-pole magnets." Now you can say "we're like." L5 "someone else from the start" can be replaced by simply "another."

    S5 - L2 Remove "give you back to." So it reads, "to what you're made of;" L5 Drop "all" and you now have some great sonics from L2 & L5.

    S6 - L2 Add (yes, add) the word "to" before "not."

    S7 - Last line of the poem "living again." To me it sounds better as "alive again."

    These are all just suggestions. Whether you use them or do something different is up to you. I just love trying to improve things.

    You're poem is excellent. I hope you work on it. It will get better.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2008-05-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is really lovely. One of the better that I've read on this site (and I've read some bad ones). I particularly enjoyed the floating bag and caught fishbone metaphors. I thought they were very original, and appropriate to what you were saying. However, I still think this poem needs a little bit of cleaning up. The ideas are there, the words are there, but sometimes they get a little jumbled. For example, "soiling" would read better as "soiled." By just playing with some of the tenses, and cutting some of the smaller words, I think you could make this poem a lot more clear, and a much better read.

    Overall, really loved it. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2008-05-13 00:00:00 | by themoviesong | [ Reply to This ]


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