[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Chapter1: In the Darknessdots

    Author: KeeperOfLight
    ASL Info:    23, Vancouver BC
    Elite Ratio:    2.56 - 41/64/75
    Words: 670
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 1384
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 4166

       This is a intro to a story I am writing...but I am not sure if it's a good enough intro. lol.. what do you guys think?
    And what do you guys think is happening during this? Do you know what the character is in the end?
    KEY WORDS: ....Xinyon... I can't say it or it will spoil the story.... umm... well you guys will get it when you are finished reading.

    I changed abit, and I had a teacher revise it. I changed the introduction from:
    (I could hear a beat, a steady beat. Amidst all the blackness that surrounded me. The beat goes Bah-dump, bah-dump, bah-dump. It is warm here, safe. But I want out. How do I leave the blackness that is everywhere, that has no start or end? )
    I am just wondering if this is more effective.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChapter1: In the Darknessdots

    Bah-dump, bah-dump, bah-dump.

    I could hear a beat, a steady beat.

    Bah-dump, bah-dump, bah-dump.

    Amidst all the blackness that surrounded me.

    Bah-dump, bah-dump, bah-dump.

    It is warm here, safe. But I want out. How do I leave the blackness that is everywhere, that has no start or end? I can feel several prickling and slight movements in the blackness, or maybe it is in myself. It is soft and gentle, it wants to be heard.

    'There is a way'

    What is the way? I ask the gentle sound

    'Move, panic, burst, and reach for outside the darkness.'

    How do you reach for outside of something that has no ending?


    The sound is startling, I move, squirm. I hear crackling, creaking and something crumbling, flashes of brightness crack into the darkness. The darkness has an ending. I reach for it. More brightness crackles into the black, the blackness is disappearing. Then suddenly, the blackness is gone. Brightness of many things I cannot explain comes rushing in.

    'That’s it.'

    The voice is gentle again, safe.

    My eyes take in many things. I am small, she is big. I am in a warm place, which is not darkness but not brightness either. This is Dimness. Below me there are cracked pieces of shells. They crumple under my weight. I look up as she moves her vast head down towards me and speaks softly.

    'Welcome to this world. A long life awaits you.'

    I look at the immense creature before me. I know she is not different from me. She feels similar to me. She is not a predator. She has always been here, beside me. She has many different brightness and darkness’ to her. She has four limbs that support her, and two long appendages protruding from her shoulders, that comport a thin membrane between four fingers. Her head is large, but not small. Many interesting shapes jut from her. They look sharp. Something you do not touch. The covering of her body is sleek, and impenetrable. Her eyes are the most beautiful. They are intelligent, and they have seen several occurrences that have come before me.

    I try to see myself; I can only get as far as the talons of my four limbs, and the other appendages that lay across my back. They are several times smaller than the Immense One’s. They are as luminous as the brightness I first experienced coming into this world. I pace in a circle, unsteady, but capable. I see a moving scaled being that is the same effulgent as myself. I grab for it, and maul it. I feel something terrible in the back of me. I let go of the object I mauled. The terrible is gone, but a small feeling of the terrible still remains. I am perplexed. I maul the object again, and I feel the terrible once more at full force. I come to the conclusion that this is a part of me, and I should not maul it.

    What am I?

    The soft whisper, from the Immense One, returns.

    ‘You are a Xinyon, a newly born creature of seeming immortality. You will learn of several things in the day following this. I suggest you rest. I will prepare the feeding you require. For I am Ketsuen Yue Izumi, the existence who has given you life.’

    I let myself sit on the ground, and lay my meager bulk in the scuffs of dirt and pieces of pulpous bedding. The bedding makes me sway. I am exhausted; my eyes are intent on converging slowly, and my mind starts to drift off into a deep slumber.

    Submitted on 2008-05-14 21:30:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It's a good idea but you need to disguise it more. "flashes of brightness crack into the darkness" is the line where I realised it was something being born. After that it was hard to appreciate some of the lines cause I knew what was happening if you get me.
    I liked the part where it was biting its tail. You showed its confusion well.
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by ChildInTime | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a vary good intro but it needs more description on the first part of the intro and i see a little bit of spelling but other than that it is alsome for me 2 thums up!
    | Posted on 2008-06-17 00:00:00 | by jjd | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...Very descriptive. It needs something but I can't put my finger on it...But I like it. I am kind of happy the pictures weren't working on my computer. That might have distracted me a little. But that is pretty much it that I can think of.
    | Posted on 2008-05-15 00:00:00 | by Silima | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for your reply, I am not too good with my english, like in spelling and grammar, ect, but I am wondering what would be good to touch up? Do I say brightness, darkness and blackness too much? I am not sure >.< But I guess I am also worried what the reader thinks of it. lol
    Can you tell what is happening at the beggining? And what she is? (sorry for the questions, but I would like to get a picture of what the readers think are happening, and if it's not what i want them to see...i might need to change it abit. lol)
    Thank you for reading this :)

    | Posted on 2008-05-15 00:00:00 | by KeeperOfLight | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! At this time your writing fits perfectly with my mood. You got some good things here man. You could make this an intro if you touch it up a bit. It's real scary to me as the mood of the piece and overall theme is exactly like a poem I just wrote before reading this. Only the viewing angle is a bit different. I will post it now. Check it out.
    | Posted on 2008-05-15 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Fixed :) thanks for telling me
    | Posted on 2008-05-14 00:00:00 | by KeeperOfLight | [ Reply to This ]
      uhh can u fix this? i cant read it...
    | Posted on 2008-05-14 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The World written by jjd
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    untitled written by Outlaw
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]