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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Horrordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Paradox
    ASL Info:    33/m/Earthbound
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 1055/434/90
    Words: 380
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 903
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2695



    Description:
       Greetings from the Darkside!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Horrordots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've seen you bury yourself
    High on that dark plateau
    Digging with fingernails
    Dragging with teeth
    Throwing dirt into the night
    Until you fell tired
    Deep inside the hole
    And dragged a blanket
    Of wet earth upon you


    A pale mannequin walks in your clothes tonight
    Wearing your hair, pushing your feet
    Moving swiftly through dark streets
    Stepping on thick shadow
    And plastic bottles
    That squeak


    Wind blows right through darkness
    And swept hair alike
    Pushing forward whole scenes
    Of covered misery
    And broken concrete

    We dwell between these wet walls
    And weep the sound of this night
    Dragging our long hair over stones
    And ages filled with nothing but dust

    You hide between stopping and another step
    With your back hunched under the small sky
    Almost stumbling in complete asymmetry
    And slow whispering of sharp edges
    You jump!

    The idea came before the light
    We didn't have time to react
    As light started to pour out of our eyes
    Slowly dripping out of sockets
    And splattering, yes splattering
    All over musky walls
    And rusty warning signs
    We began to see our own hands again

    How mighty we were, all of a sudden
    In the streets, rustling
    Through jagged edges and bodies alike
    Searching, no, screaming for you!
    Jumping up in the wind
    Spreading arms and lungs alike
    Swaying our heads pushed by the breeze
    And the trails of pheromones
    That fear leaves behind

    You're already struggling
    With an unbalanced corner
    Flying circular on one foot
    Crawling on hope and stacked bricks
    You jump into the night!

    But some of us can see you now
    We swirl over your own shadow
    Sleeping whilst giving chase
    To your own insecurities
    And brittle feet

    We hang tight together
    A dark mass pushing light
    Through empty streets
    Grasping with sharp fingers
    Dark air and at your dirty footsteps

    I am the only one that sees you escape
    Through crooked trees and dim light
    You run in the jagged forest
    Desperately climbing on that hill
    Throwing dirt into the night
    Dragging with teeth
    Digging with fingernails
    High on that dark plateau
    I see you bury yourself



    The light ends
    We should all go to sleep.




    Submitted on 2008-05-15 03:25:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Your imagery is outstanding it touched on most of the sences. The only thing that confused me was the oft shift in pronouns but i suppose that is related to the story like narration.
    | Posted on 2008-10-11 00:00:00 | by isis_lenore | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I really like how you used the imagery in this piece. It's almost like a story but with more emotion and meaning behind it. We all have different ways of bringing across our inner thoughts and translating them into the expansive language of poetry and I can see that you've done a very good job with that.



    =MHK=
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by Ayane | [ Reply to This ]
      damn good piece. i was surprised to find that we actually write in a similar manner. this really was beautiful. i'll keep in touch. i'm short on time right now or i'd read some more. have a great day.
    | Posted on 2008-06-11 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd almost want to suggest doggie toys that squeak rather than plastic bottles . . . or it could be a child's toy, hehe.

    Wind blowing out of the darkness and through hair . . .

    The covered misery seems a bit obscure, a concept rather than a concete image, although the broken concete is evocative . . . maybe a little more specificity here would give this strophe more impact . . .

    And finally, "whilst" feels a little too anachronistic here . . . but "while" would be a little more in keeping with the narrative voice you've used here. If this had a more old world gothic feel to it, as a period piece, then I'd say whilst would be okay, but this piece sounds more modern to my ears.

    I liked it. I thought you conjured an interesting visionary experience as told from the point of view of one who looks up to or is a follower or creature of some mysterious and powerful entity (at least more powerful than the speaker). It's a sliver in time, a moment . . . and if there's any weakness it's in that we're not sure just what the significance of the moment means . . . there's a sense of well, okay, but so what? So, maybe . . . there is more to tell here, more than can be revealed, that relates this to something more impactful. Your last lines show a desire to do this, but I think it lacks the punch it could have. As a portrait though, it's pretty cool.

    It just makes us want to see a little more of the world you've begun to describe...

    Take care,

    M~

    | Posted on 2008-05-18 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow.... I am not good with poetry. But I really like it, it's like they are creatures of the night...or light trying to get creatures of the night... But, I can picture myself running from the light... and then to get away from it I bury myself?... not sure.
    Fill me in :)
    | Posted on 2008-05-15 00:00:00 | by KeeperOfLight | [ Reply to This ]


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