Untrue by MinervaBlu

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Submission Name: Untrue dots

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Author:	MinervaBlu
ASL Info:	17 nowhere
Elite Ratio:	3.63 - 235/228/174
Words:	124

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	77
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	799

Description:
This is my counter poem to True I don't know why I wrote it after three months, but I did... so yeah...........
http://by124w.bay124.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=76856bb1-96a5-4fd7-8d47-1a50b125b07b&Aux=4|0|8CA715A11FDFF70|

Untrue

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I have no heart
I breathe on my own.
My hand is empty
Hate is all that's shown

Nothing lasts forever
Everything is a lie
I never left you
YOU said goodbye

You tore us apart
Rripping at the seems
Now the only happiness I have
Is in my horrible dreams

I thought it was forever
But, as always, I thought wrong
What was supposed to be aways
Didn't last so long

For a time we were happy
A love we did share
But that was so tainted
And left me in despair

I know now not to believe
In fairy tale bliss
For it is only a myth
That will leave you like this

Submitted on 2008-05-17 03:13:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I love this.
2 little things ill point out

I thought it was forever
But, as always, I thought wrong
What was supposed to be aways
Didn't last so long

should be

I thought it was forever
But, as always, I thought wrong
What was supposed to be always
Didn't last so long

and the second to last stanza-
For a time we were happy
A love we did share
But that was so tainted
And left me in despair

seemed to through off the flow.
Im not sure why...
Maybe consider changing it somthing like-

For a time we were happy,
Unconditional love we did share.
But soon our love became tainted,
And left me with only despair.

Great great write over all.
-Safire

| Posted on 2008-05-18 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
I couldn't really see what poem this was a counter poem to because my internet wasn't working but I'll try to comment on this poem itself.
This was quite sad. Usually, poems like this feel mundane on reading but I think you maintained originality to a certain extent.
Overall I found this quite sad-I hate to see relationships ending like this so I'm sorry if you're sharing a personal experience.
I have a suggestion for you though. I think if you concentrated more on writing from the heart and not limiting yourself because of the rhyme scheme you wanted to maintain, you would've been able to write a more evocative poem. Just a suggestion though. Keep writing and sharing,

Abbas
| Posted on 2008-05-17 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]

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