It's not one of your best works flow and structure wise but it is a free write after all right? When i write a poem in the moment I often try to focus on what i am trying to say or capture inspiration wise, rather than technical things like syllables and structure. I can work on the technical later if i want or I may just leave it as it is. Correct me if i am wrong, but i think that when you wrote this you were focusing on the concept that inspired you rather than about being "choppy" or not.
Actually i disagree on this subject being clichéd. I have read many many poems about "being left behind" or "tormented by ghosts of love." Such topics may be very popular but that is because these themes have and continue to re occur in the intense emotions of countless people, alive or dead. So long as such a thing as "Love" exists, such poems will continue to be written.
But what you touch on in this poem i don't think is appreciated enough. It reminded me of the concluding messege narrated at the end of the film "Stranger than Fiction." (if you have not seen it, i highly recomend it). For many in this world of turmoil, happiness is somewhat elusive. I think that we sometimes put to much belief in the idea that happiness is some big thing we will reach when we have a good job with enough money or finally finish school. Truth is that struggle is never ending except maybe in death.
However it is the little things, the little joys, that can save us. Things like tapping a tune on a window, taking a walk on a sunny day, singing along loudly to a favorite song or laughing at a stupid joke...things of which seem so trivial but are in fact profound and give meaning and relief to our lives.
To be perfectly honest I didn't like it at all. It annoyed me deeply. I don't have anything with being happy, but I don't think its an original topic for a poem. I think was extradorinarily clichéd, and frankly, boring.
I understand what you were getting at, maybe you just didn't want to write another teen angst "woe is me" type of poem. Honestly, I think this may be even worse.
I don't like the way you worded things, and I think the flow of the poem is very choppy and broken.
"To sing in the shower
Like theres no tomorrow
To be ready to burst someones
To dance with wings that carry you
past the sunrise
Until the moon isn't so bright
because it burned your feet"
I couldn't stand this part. I'm sorry, but I just didn't like it at all. Don't forget your grammar, and I think it would be much better if it had some puncuation. A place where the flow is horribly broken is "to dance with wings that carry you". You have to pause there, and then the next line is so short, it has you stumbling all over yourself.
Also, I feel that you could have done so much a better job with imagery. I felt like these were simply words, when I can cleary see that you're capable of much more.