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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: again, gahssss x.xdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jazzy
    ASL Info:    14/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 84/138/144
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 62
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 928



    Description:
       DDD: I can write anything decent @_@


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsagain, gahssss x.xdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Keep down the volume
    As we make our way
    Make our way to heaven.
    Move so lithely as we move
    On out, move on out to
    Heaven.

    Chrystal shines like
    Beams of subtle moonlight
    Out upon a weary midnight
    Lake. Waterfalls that tumble
    Downward, an avalanche
    That never ceases.
    Golden roads that never
    Move, golden skies that
    Never darken.

    People chat gaily like
    Love is the currency, and human
    Beings are worth something
    Again. We pretend, we pretend
    That this is all real.
    That we are all real.
    What dreams can you have in
    The land of perfection?
    Never.

    Where are we?
    Escaping it all, absconding with
    What is left of us.
    When perfection is upon you,
    The ordinary ceases to have
    That gentle beauty.




    Submitted on 2008-05-17 19:55:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      It's actually quite a nice piece. I like how you used structural devices like enjambments and ceasuras to add to your overall theme, it makes it roll more and it sort of feels like crashing waves on a shore, each one is a little diffrent but they just serve to highlight the message.

    The first stanza had me tripping over it a lot but maybe thats what you meant to portray? I just think you could make it a little smoother like the rest of the peice, it just doesnt exactly flow off the tongue.

    I like the contrast between the real and the unreal on what is beautiful, or how perfection makes everything else seem ordinary or even ugly, I can relate to that whole heartedly and its something that I haven't seem much on eliteskills.

    Also maybe pick a better title

    Btw thanks for the comment on my piece a while back, I never got to replying because I was sort of letting it sink in. No one has ever really been that harsh to me on this site before but it was a pretty bad piece so I thank you for your honesty and the advice you gave.

    Keep it up

    ~flora~
    | Posted on 2008-05-26 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]


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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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